Yawn

In going over my relationship to try and make sense of it, I remembered the worst thing that XN ever said to me. He said this a few times.

After I'd poured my heart out to him via e-mail/text, following a D&D or a withdrawal from him, he would send the following response:

"Yawn".

That was it. I'd sit there stunned whenever I got that. In hindsight, I should have cut him off the first time he ever did that but, at the time, I just didn't believe that someone could be so cruel so I hung on in there, making excuses for him.

Never again.

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It never occurred to me (god knows why) that any of this was emotional abuse until fairly recently.

I couldn't get my head around how anyone could be so dismissive of another person so I would formulate all these excuses for him in my own head or berate him til he apologised. I'd never come across anyone in my life who could be so nasty and I don't think I wanted to believe that it was possible for one human being to treat another like that, to take someone's feelings and emotions and toss them aside so heartlessly.

I'd write him heartfelt letters and e-mails and when I'd ask him for his reaction he'd say, with a sneer, 'your e-mail? I didn't even read it'.

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One thing that XN said to me that I will never forget was him saying to me, after he'd been to a strip club and he knew I was upset by it: "you are just jealous because other women have better bodies than you". Way to go to triangulate me with a load of strippers in a club!

I don't think I'd ever forgive him for that although of course he "didn't mean it like that" and I "completely misinterpreted him".