Why I have started this blog

I don't care if no-one ever reads this. I need to write, to try and make sense of everything that's happened to me over the last nearly six years. It's carthartic to try and get it all out. I could write it in my diary but my typing is much quicker. I've already written so much; whilst I'm about to go to sleep, whilst I'm in work, whilst I'm in meetings. It consumes me. But the more I write, the more I feel I am making sense (what sense can be made) of the situation I was in with this man; the more I feel I am exorcising my demon.

I was involved with a guy I adored - and hated at times - for nearly 6 years.

He was exciting, sensitive, funny, warm, kind, tender, patient.

And nasty, spiteful, full of rage, bitter, envious, jealous, angry, deluded.

Did I ever know which one I was going to wake up with? No...but it was a 50:50 guess each day.

I didn't know he had a personality disorder. Someone we used to work with years ago who was a trained mental health social worker said that he thought xN had a PD but I didn't know what that meant then.

I thought he was just depressed. I'd been depressed. I'd got better. He would too! I'd help him!

I sure as hell know about personality disorders now. I've spent lots of money on buying books about narcissistic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. I've spent hours, days, weeks reading and reading on the internet about it and discussing the condition with others who have been in a similar position.

At some stage I will have to give up the information search. I've already started to read the same things about BPD and I've only been reading about that for the past week. I feel like I know all there is to know about NPD now. I won't find the one thing that will make everything click into place. He has gone from my life (my choice - he was destroying me). I need to accept it and move on. He will have done.

I just don't want to yet.