I, [misguided woman], take [N] to be my wedded husband to have and to hold from this day forward for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful only to him so long as we both shall live. I hereby forsake all my needs, desires, and wants, money, and my sanity because I recognise that [N's] needs are far greater than mine will ever be.
I, [N], take [misguided woman] to be my wedded wife to have and to hold from this day forward for better, for richer, and in health. And forsaking all others, be faithful to her if I feel like it that day. I promise to lie about using porn, flirting and being unfaithful with other women because keeping me happy is the most important thing about this marriage. I promise to remind [poor misguided woman] how lucky she is to have such a catch as me every day of our blissful married life. I promise to make it known if she is not fulfilling her marriage vows and I reserve the right to leave her at a moment's notice if someone who lavishes me with more attention comes along.
Registrar/vicar etc
If any of you know cause, or just impediment, why these two persons should not be joined together in matrimony, please speak now or forever hold your peace.
[Bride's family/friends all sit on their hands in frustration]
Registrar/vicar
You may now suck the lifeforce out of [poor misguided woman].
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