I was thinking today if XN was ever just normal and relaxed. And my conclusion was 'rarely'.
These are the sides of XN I would get in the course of a 24 hour period:
(Someone please tell me how I'm not in a straitjacket right now, gibbering in a corner!)
Manic - whistling, singing, energetic. He'd be like this on a Friday evening after work and cooking us tea. It wouldn't last long before it went to:
Tired/exhausted/grumpy - usually after the meal he'd cooked. He'd lay out on the sofa, barely grunting because he was so tired, and would demand that I got the Horlicks out for him, before disappearing off to bed without saying a word. One of my male friends came round one Friday evening and told me in a quiet moment that he thought XN was really ignorant because XN was just laid out on the sofa barely speaking to me or my friend. I'd thought XN had done quite well that night for him!
Stressed/restless - he'd usually wake up the following morning like this. I had to keep him constantly distracted and entertained to prevent him from going into the angry stage or from going into work which he usually did every Sunday.
Obsessional/overly focused - he'd sit on my pc and look at golf or rugby websites for hours. If we went to the supermarket, he'd be practising his golf swing in the supermarket aisles (to my embarrassment).
Lecturing - he'd decide to impart his knowledge on something to me and would lecture me for an hour, raging as he did so that life was so unfair.
Then I might get one of the following scenarios:
Intensely seductive - he'd turn on the charm and get me upstairs into the bedroom or:
Sulking - sitting behind a magazine for an hour, refusing to talk to me.
Anger - simmering with rage, usually followed by him walking out of the door to go back to his mum or to take out his rage at the driving range.
Withdrawn - he'd not respond to calls/e-mails/texts for days or weeks. This was what I got from a Friday night to a Saturday/Sunday evening (depending on when he chose to walk out) and it would always be some variation of all the above.
I'm a fairly stable person. I get tired and can have moods like the next person but to experience the whole lot in 24 hours was exhausting for me, plus I had to be constantly nice to prevent him going into a bad mood! Woe betide me if I was in a bad mood at all!
Thursday, 29 October 2009
Self-esteem issues #2
XN had never said what qualities in wanted in a woman other than looks (and the fact that he didn't want her to be "stupid").
I used to joke that all XN wanted was someone to stroke his hair and cuddle him and call him 'Baby'. How true that was.
I think that the constant rejection of being broken up with on an almost monthly basis reinforces the feeling of not being good enough.
I know on a rational level that the problem was with him and with his inability to have an intimate relationship (hence the move onto porn) but, at the time, it all got internalised as me not being good enough for him.
When he started having therapy at the beginning of this year, he told me that he was going to talk to his doctor about the impact on his sex life as he "got better" (yeah right) as he was worried about it. He said that sex was a real release to him and that, if he wasn't so stressed and anxious anymore (by then he was on meds for the stress) he might not enjoy sex as much. I told him that I found that quite upsetting to hear (for obvious reasons) and he then got frustrated because he knew he couldn't discuss things like that with good old, dependable, therapist substitute Sanegirl.
He also said to me once that he liked there to be a 'frisson' between him & his female friends (a sort of 'will we, won't we' type thing) and he said this at a time when he was hanging around with an attractive girl from work. Of course, that unsettled me - a brilliant way to keep me on my toes. His relationships with women do seem very dysfunctional even though he once told me that he preferred having female friends - but they seem to be either the enemy to him or an object to be coveted.
There's one girl in my office that I know he would like and I get stressed whenever I see her. She's very smiley and sweet as well and he'd like someone like that, someone who made him feel good and who wasn't resentful and hurt all the time. I hate this girl because I see her as competition now for my boyfriend who isn't even on the scene anymore!
I always felt that he was settling for me even though he said he wasn't. I do worry now that in my next relationship I'll be constantly feeling that that person is settling for me and that they'd much rather be off with someone 'better'.
I wonder if I've picked up some of XN's fears of abandonment and am showing them myself now. I'm sure there's an element of wanting control over me as well and keeping me in my place with all of this.
I used to joke that all XN wanted was someone to stroke his hair and cuddle him and call him 'Baby'. How true that was.
I think that the constant rejection of being broken up with on an almost monthly basis reinforces the feeling of not being good enough.
I know on a rational level that the problem was with him and with his inability to have an intimate relationship (hence the move onto porn) but, at the time, it all got internalised as me not being good enough for him.
When he started having therapy at the beginning of this year, he told me that he was going to talk to his doctor about the impact on his sex life as he "got better" (yeah right) as he was worried about it. He said that sex was a real release to him and that, if he wasn't so stressed and anxious anymore (by then he was on meds for the stress) he might not enjoy sex as much. I told him that I found that quite upsetting to hear (for obvious reasons) and he then got frustrated because he knew he couldn't discuss things like that with good old, dependable, therapist substitute Sanegirl.
He also said to me once that he liked there to be a 'frisson' between him & his female friends (a sort of 'will we, won't we' type thing) and he said this at a time when he was hanging around with an attractive girl from work. Of course, that unsettled me - a brilliant way to keep me on my toes. His relationships with women do seem very dysfunctional even though he once told me that he preferred having female friends - but they seem to be either the enemy to him or an object to be coveted.
There's one girl in my office that I know he would like and I get stressed whenever I see her. She's very smiley and sweet as well and he'd like someone like that, someone who made him feel good and who wasn't resentful and hurt all the time. I hate this girl because I see her as competition now for my boyfriend who isn't even on the scene anymore!
I always felt that he was settling for me even though he said he wasn't. I do worry now that in my next relationship I'll be constantly feeling that that person is settling for me and that they'd much rather be off with someone 'better'.
I wonder if I've picked up some of XN's fears of abandonment and am showing them myself now. I'm sure there's an element of wanting control over me as well and keeping me in my place with all of this.
Self esteem issues #1
Unsurprisingly, the r/ship with XN really affected my self-esteem, but in particular about my body.
I now have mild panic attacks when my self-esteem is threatened further, e.g. when I go into a shopping mall where there are pretty young girls and airbrushed photos of models in the shops. I don't know how or why this happened.
XN always seemed to find me attractive and our relationship was quite sexual.
XN was hyper-critical about people's looks and described himself as picky in terms of choosing a partner.
Over the years he mentioned his preference for:
-good posture
-tall women
-slim women
-brunettes
-'girl next door' types
-smaller breasts (because he said they don't sag)
-classy looking women
He would be derogatory about women who were:
-overweight
-had what he called 'corn beef thighs' (still not sure what that meant)
-wearing bad clothes
-plain
-women who dressed up too much for work
-he also hated "stupid women"
-he hated what he called 'Boots Number 7 beauties', named after a make up range in the UK
-he was scathing about 3 women that he'd been set up with during times that our relationship was 'off' because they were unattractive (in his opinion).
When I first went out with him, he looked at women in front of me. Once he looked at this woman who walked past us in a club, this cute, trendy little brunette - the kind of woman who intimidated untrendy me! He turned to me with a big grin as if to say 'isn't it great that there's such a babe in here tonight!' He stopped looking at other women when I asked him not to or to as least be more subtle about it.
He had an 'arty' book of naked supermodels - all taken by the same photographer and all standing in the same, non-erotic pose, so you could easily compare their bodies that way.
Towards the end of our r/ship, he got his own PC (instead of using his parents') and started looking at porn. I felt very devalued by this because our sex life had always been really good.
He went to a strip club last year on my brother's stag night and, when I told him I was upset afterwards, he hurled at me that "I was only jealous because other women have better bodies than me." Later he told me that I'd got the wrong end of the stick and that he only meant that I was thinking that they had better bodies so I was being self-destructive (??).
He would also say things like (in a vicious way): "I bet you love it that I fancy you so much, don't you!" and (if we were out for a meal): "I've looked around and you're the best looking woman in here. I'm really happy to be here with you."
He looked at me whilst I was getting dressed a few months ago and said, "hmm....relatively you've got a better body than me." I thought it was a really odd thing to say. It wasn't an overt compliment but more him musing on me compared to him.
He also said things like he "never gets the women he wants" and, once when I asked him if he liked this girl in work, he said "there'd be no point - she's out of my league." The night he said that was my first D&D. He made the comment then tore into me (think he realised he'd said something really bad) and left.
In some ways, it doesn't matter what I look like but I suppose I should say that I fit XN's bill of a tall, slim, brunette. He even told me when we got together that he liked my posture (???). I look smart for work but don't prance around in miniskirts and high heels.
So, if XN was attracted to me, and was hyper-critical of everyone else, then I should feel good about myself, shouldn't I? I guess that my looks and my personality just weren't enough to keep him and I just don't feel good enough anymore. I don't know if anyone would want me because there'll always be someone who is better than me out there.
Why would a guy settle for me when he could have someone 'better'? I hate feeling like this and I know that it's how I feel how myself that matters but I can't seem to get this feeling of not being good enough out of my head.
I now have mild panic attacks when my self-esteem is threatened further, e.g. when I go into a shopping mall where there are pretty young girls and airbrushed photos of models in the shops. I don't know how or why this happened.
XN always seemed to find me attractive and our relationship was quite sexual.
XN was hyper-critical about people's looks and described himself as picky in terms of choosing a partner.
Over the years he mentioned his preference for:
-good posture
-tall women
-slim women
-brunettes
-'girl next door' types
-smaller breasts (because he said they don't sag)
-classy looking women
He would be derogatory about women who were:
-overweight
-had what he called 'corn beef thighs' (still not sure what that meant)
-wearing bad clothes
-plain
-women who dressed up too much for work
-he also hated "stupid women"
-he hated what he called 'Boots Number 7 beauties', named after a make up range in the UK
-he was scathing about 3 women that he'd been set up with during times that our relationship was 'off' because they were unattractive (in his opinion).
When I first went out with him, he looked at women in front of me. Once he looked at this woman who walked past us in a club, this cute, trendy little brunette - the kind of woman who intimidated untrendy me! He turned to me with a big grin as if to say 'isn't it great that there's such a babe in here tonight!' He stopped looking at other women when I asked him not to or to as least be more subtle about it.
He had an 'arty' book of naked supermodels - all taken by the same photographer and all standing in the same, non-erotic pose, so you could easily compare their bodies that way.
Towards the end of our r/ship, he got his own PC (instead of using his parents') and started looking at porn. I felt very devalued by this because our sex life had always been really good.
He went to a strip club last year on my brother's stag night and, when I told him I was upset afterwards, he hurled at me that "I was only jealous because other women have better bodies than me." Later he told me that I'd got the wrong end of the stick and that he only meant that I was thinking that they had better bodies so I was being self-destructive (??).
He would also say things like (in a vicious way): "I bet you love it that I fancy you so much, don't you!" and (if we were out for a meal): "I've looked around and you're the best looking woman in here. I'm really happy to be here with you."
He looked at me whilst I was getting dressed a few months ago and said, "hmm....relatively you've got a better body than me." I thought it was a really odd thing to say. It wasn't an overt compliment but more him musing on me compared to him.
He also said things like he "never gets the women he wants" and, once when I asked him if he liked this girl in work, he said "there'd be no point - she's out of my league." The night he said that was my first D&D. He made the comment then tore into me (think he realised he'd said something really bad) and left.
In some ways, it doesn't matter what I look like but I suppose I should say that I fit XN's bill of a tall, slim, brunette. He even told me when we got together that he liked my posture (???). I look smart for work but don't prance around in miniskirts and high heels.
So, if XN was attracted to me, and was hyper-critical of everyone else, then I should feel good about myself, shouldn't I? I guess that my looks and my personality just weren't enough to keep him and I just don't feel good enough anymore. I don't know if anyone would want me because there'll always be someone who is better than me out there.
Why would a guy settle for me when he could have someone 'better'? I hate feeling like this and I know that it's how I feel how myself that matters but I can't seem to get this feeling of not being good enough out of my head.
Tuesday, 27 October 2009
Going out for dinner with XN - always a joy
I remembered today some of the times I'd gone out for dinner with XN.
On several occasions, XN would get into a mood because the food wasn't good enough. He'd take one look at mine or his meal and start ranting about how they'd charged us £XXX and he could have made it at home and it would have been better.
The evening would usually go downhill from there.
At other times, XN would get stressed at simply having to sit opposite me and make conversation for a few hours. He would go quiet, I'd start asking questions to try and get a conversation going and he'd usually then attack my social skills, call me a tw@t and would go outside for a cigarette in a sulk, leaving me alone for ages twiddling my thumbs.
On other occasions, he would have a pint or two of beer which would seem to tire him out immediately and he'd go into a vacant stupor and again wouldn't talk. Another time, we were out shopping and decided to eat out. We were both tired and hungry so settled for a Pizza Hut because it was nearby and quick. XN was in a mood before we even got into the restaurant because it was a chain and he said we should have been able to find somewhere else to go. He didn't stop being in a mood for the rest of the evening.
Fast forward a few months.....we're on holiday in Spain and have gone to Barcelona for a couple of nights. We've gone out for something to eat on Las Ramblas - the main street through Barcelona, full of lovely little tapas bars and nice Spanish restaurants. XN gets stressed with the choice and decides he wants to go into....guess where...Pizza Express!! I refuse because he'd made such a fuss about going into Pizza Hut and we're in Spain...in Barcelona; I didn't fly there to go to Pizza Express as I can go there anytime. XN goes into a mood then, only coming out of it later on because the food was actually really great.
The next day, when I ask XN if he's had a nice time on holiday with me (it was our first one together) XN tells me that I am "intractable" because I always want everything my own way....! So I leave the choice of restaurant to him, afraid to voice a preference. XN gets stressed with having to choose somewhere and, you guessed it, goes into a bad mood.
We had two nice meals out this year when I'd gone back for round 2 but XN was drugged up on beta blockers and antidepressants that time
On several occasions, XN would get into a mood because the food wasn't good enough. He'd take one look at mine or his meal and start ranting about how they'd charged us £XXX and he could have made it at home and it would have been better.
The evening would usually go downhill from there.
At other times, XN would get stressed at simply having to sit opposite me and make conversation for a few hours. He would go quiet, I'd start asking questions to try and get a conversation going and he'd usually then attack my social skills, call me a tw@t and would go outside for a cigarette in a sulk, leaving me alone for ages twiddling my thumbs.
On other occasions, he would have a pint or two of beer which would seem to tire him out immediately and he'd go into a vacant stupor and again wouldn't talk. Another time, we were out shopping and decided to eat out. We were both tired and hungry so settled for a Pizza Hut because it was nearby and quick. XN was in a mood before we even got into the restaurant because it was a chain and he said we should have been able to find somewhere else to go. He didn't stop being in a mood for the rest of the evening.
Fast forward a few months.....we're on holiday in Spain and have gone to Barcelona for a couple of nights. We've gone out for something to eat on Las Ramblas - the main street through Barcelona, full of lovely little tapas bars and nice Spanish restaurants. XN gets stressed with the choice and decides he wants to go into....guess where...Pizza Express!! I refuse because he'd made such a fuss about going into Pizza Hut and we're in Spain...in Barcelona; I didn't fly there to go to Pizza Express as I can go there anytime. XN goes into a mood then, only coming out of it later on because the food was actually really great.
The next day, when I ask XN if he's had a nice time on holiday with me (it was our first one together) XN tells me that I am "intractable" because I always want everything my own way....! So I leave the choice of restaurant to him, afraid to voice a preference. XN gets stressed with having to choose somewhere and, you guessed it, goes into a bad mood.
We had two nice meals out this year when I'd gone back for round 2 but XN was drugged up on beta blockers and antidepressants that time
What does he think of me now?
I'd like to imagine he's kicking himself for losing the best thing he ever had.
I do think that, when he's alone at night, he will think that he screwed it up. He knows and has admitted to me before that I wasn't the problem.
Mine has't got a long list of women. There were only 2 girlfriends before me and he wasn't really into one of them (though never criticised her in any way) and the other was a short relationship whilst he was living in Australia for a few months.
I was longest relationship by a long way - 6 years as opposed to 2 years for one and 9 months for the other. However, I think he just thinks we didn't get on when, in reality, we got on perfectly well when he wasn't being a lying, porn consuming, flirting, raging b*stard.
My therapist asked me to think rationally about it all when I was getting upset. She asked me if he cared about his mum (the OW in his life). I said "I think he cares about her as much he can care about someone." My therapist shrugged as if to say - there's your answer when you ask yourself if he cared about you.
He stuck with me for 6 years and I'm 99% sure he didn't cheat. She said that there must have been something about me that he liked otherwise he would have moved on a long time ago and I certainly didn't put up with his BS. He would also tell me that he was 'very picky'.
Three times during occasions when we weren't together "friends" tried to set him up with people and he was so scathing about the girls that they were trying to set him up with that he didn't do anything (reassuring to hear when we got back together but not nice to hear him be so rude about people). Mine wasn't good at making friends or chatting women up so I think/hope he's very lonely now and is cursing himself for screwing up something that could have been perfectly good. If he's going into work every Sunday still (as I hear) and is raging at people who don't deserve it (as I also hear) then, as my therapist said, he's not the love light in his eyes from the sounds of it.
Like I said, a girl can dream.
I do think that, when he's alone at night, he will think that he screwed it up. He knows and has admitted to me before that I wasn't the problem.
Mine has't got a long list of women. There were only 2 girlfriends before me and he wasn't really into one of them (though never criticised her in any way) and the other was a short relationship whilst he was living in Australia for a few months.
I was longest relationship by a long way - 6 years as opposed to 2 years for one and 9 months for the other. However, I think he just thinks we didn't get on when, in reality, we got on perfectly well when he wasn't being a lying, porn consuming, flirting, raging b*stard.
My therapist asked me to think rationally about it all when I was getting upset. She asked me if he cared about his mum (the OW in his life). I said "I think he cares about her as much he can care about someone." My therapist shrugged as if to say - there's your answer when you ask yourself if he cared about you.
He stuck with me for 6 years and I'm 99% sure he didn't cheat. She said that there must have been something about me that he liked otherwise he would have moved on a long time ago and I certainly didn't put up with his BS. He would also tell me that he was 'very picky'.
Three times during occasions when we weren't together "friends" tried to set him up with people and he was so scathing about the girls that they were trying to set him up with that he didn't do anything (reassuring to hear when we got back together but not nice to hear him be so rude about people). Mine wasn't good at making friends or chatting women up so I think/hope he's very lonely now and is cursing himself for screwing up something that could have been perfectly good. If he's going into work every Sunday still (as I hear) and is raging at people who don't deserve it (as I also hear) then, as my therapist said, he's not the love light in his eyes from the sounds of it.
Like I said, a girl can dream.
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Always my fault!
I remembered this morning that when he was at mine or with me, XN - who was this smart, intellectual man, was forever breaking wind and often I catch him with his finger up his nose.
I didn't mind either that much but it did feel disrespectful. I knew that he wouldn't do either in front of a girl he was trying to impress.
So if I asked him to try and control himself a bit better in front of me, guess what he'd say:
"It's the food I eat at your's - it's too rich"!
So even his poor control of his bodily functions, like a little boy's, was MY FAULT because of the food I gave him!!
Mine was (wrongly in my opinion) diagnosed with a "stress disorder" when he saw a CBT therapist. I don't know what his psychologist decided he had but she told him it wasn't Asperger's.
Anyway, he loved having this "stress disorder" label to throw at me whenever I needed anything. And not long before I went NC, he told me that he was about to ring his mum to get her to take him food shopping.
He decided that he couldn't face going to the supermarket and thinking about what to eat (he'd moved out of his mum and dad's a few months before) as it was all just too stressful.
What a load of cr@p! When he came to stay with me for a weekend, he'd quite happily (well - relative for a miserable N) go off food shopping and buy us some meals for the weekend. Plus he's managing to hold down a job earning him about £53k with a lot of responsibility.
Yet all of a sudden he decides that he needs his mum to take him to buy food.
I didn't buy that BS off him though I gave him sympathy at the time. I also told him not to call her for help as he would only beat himself up about it afterwards.
Someone please tell me what I saw in this "man"??!!
I didn't mind either that much but it did feel disrespectful. I knew that he wouldn't do either in front of a girl he was trying to impress.
So if I asked him to try and control himself a bit better in front of me, guess what he'd say:
"It's the food I eat at your's - it's too rich"!
So even his poor control of his bodily functions, like a little boy's, was MY FAULT because of the food I gave him!!
Mine was (wrongly in my opinion) diagnosed with a "stress disorder" when he saw a CBT therapist. I don't know what his psychologist decided he had but she told him it wasn't Asperger's.
Anyway, he loved having this "stress disorder" label to throw at me whenever I needed anything. And not long before I went NC, he told me that he was about to ring his mum to get her to take him food shopping.
He decided that he couldn't face going to the supermarket and thinking about what to eat (he'd moved out of his mum and dad's a few months before) as it was all just too stressful.
What a load of cr@p! When he came to stay with me for a weekend, he'd quite happily (well - relative for a miserable N) go off food shopping and buy us some meals for the weekend. Plus he's managing to hold down a job earning him about £53k with a lot of responsibility.
Yet all of a sudden he decides that he needs his mum to take him to buy food.
I didn't buy that BS off him though I gave him sympathy at the time. I also told him not to call her for help as he would only beat himself up about it afterwards.
Someone please tell me what I saw in this "man"??!!
Saturday, 10 October 2009
My new perspective on the projection and the D&Ds
Just a thought I had today. XN was always telling me that no-one made him feel as bad as I did.
Now, I didn't ever do anything purposely to hurt this man. Most of our problems came from him being insensitive or screwing up and being incapable with dealing with the aftermath from me.
It occurred to me today that perhaps I should see his projection as a huge compliment.
If I made him feel really bad, then that means that being with me exposed his inadequacies - as a boyfriend/partner and as a human being. I'm a pretty decent person, I like to think. I will go out of my way to help someone, I have enough conscience for both me and XN and I'm passionate and kind. I hate injustice and will campaign for causes that I believe in.
I am a fair person and I held XN to account every single time that he screwed up. I never let him off the hook with his lies (the ones I knew about) or his bad treatment of me.
I always made him sit down and listen to me and would get an apology out of him and an acknowledgement that he'd screwed up (not that that meant anything I know).
Being exposed to this, being made to face up to his own failings in the face of my sense for justice, being around me when I was involved with a passionate cause (and XN couldn't even be bothered to vote once in his life despite joining the local Labour party because he said he was passionate about politics), and being told when he was being insensitive must have all contributed to his having to recognise his own inadequacies.
I wasn't like this all the time. I also supported him, loved him, and was his champion, his one woman fan club!
It's occurred to me that the depth of his feeling bad around me could be in direct correlation to the good person that I was. It showed him everything that he wasn't and would never be and therefore I should take this as a huge compliment and not as an insult.
I remember that he wouldn't come to visit some friends of mine with me one day because he said that the husband (whom he'd never met) would make him feel bad and inadequate. The husband of the couple in question is indeed a lovely man who would have put XN in the shade. I also remember that XN D&D'd all his old friends when he returned from travelling except for one. XN said that he did this because they made him feel bad.
At the time, I'd assumed that they were just a bunch of idiots who were stuck up and snobby but when we were talking about my friends, the couple, he'd said that the husband would make him feel bad in the same way that his old friends did - i.e. not because of anything they did, but because they were simply "better" than him and he knew it. Therefore he couldn't be around them around any more.
Others may not feel this way about their XNs but I do feel sure that this was a lot of the case with our r/ship. I know who he's hanging around with now and they're younger, not particularly ambitious, nor would they be his intellectual equal. He might enjoy their company for a time but eventually he will decide that he deserves company that is intellectually more satisfying to him. But anyone who is his equal, in the looks department or intellectually, will make him feel bad and he couldn't be around them.
I am going to take this as a big compliment. That is my lesson to myself for the day!
Now, I didn't ever do anything purposely to hurt this man. Most of our problems came from him being insensitive or screwing up and being incapable with dealing with the aftermath from me.
It occurred to me today that perhaps I should see his projection as a huge compliment.
If I made him feel really bad, then that means that being with me exposed his inadequacies - as a boyfriend/partner and as a human being. I'm a pretty decent person, I like to think. I will go out of my way to help someone, I have enough conscience for both me and XN and I'm passionate and kind. I hate injustice and will campaign for causes that I believe in.
I am a fair person and I held XN to account every single time that he screwed up. I never let him off the hook with his lies (the ones I knew about) or his bad treatment of me.
I always made him sit down and listen to me and would get an apology out of him and an acknowledgement that he'd screwed up (not that that meant anything I know).
Being exposed to this, being made to face up to his own failings in the face of my sense for justice, being around me when I was involved with a passionate cause (and XN couldn't even be bothered to vote once in his life despite joining the local Labour party because he said he was passionate about politics), and being told when he was being insensitive must have all contributed to his having to recognise his own inadequacies.
I wasn't like this all the time. I also supported him, loved him, and was his champion, his one woman fan club!
It's occurred to me that the depth of his feeling bad around me could be in direct correlation to the good person that I was. It showed him everything that he wasn't and would never be and therefore I should take this as a huge compliment and not as an insult.
I remember that he wouldn't come to visit some friends of mine with me one day because he said that the husband (whom he'd never met) would make him feel bad and inadequate. The husband of the couple in question is indeed a lovely man who would have put XN in the shade. I also remember that XN D&D'd all his old friends when he returned from travelling except for one. XN said that he did this because they made him feel bad.
At the time, I'd assumed that they were just a bunch of idiots who were stuck up and snobby but when we were talking about my friends, the couple, he'd said that the husband would make him feel bad in the same way that his old friends did - i.e. not because of anything they did, but because they were simply "better" than him and he knew it. Therefore he couldn't be around them around any more.
Others may not feel this way about their XNs but I do feel sure that this was a lot of the case with our r/ship. I know who he's hanging around with now and they're younger, not particularly ambitious, nor would they be his intellectual equal. He might enjoy their company for a time but eventually he will decide that he deserves company that is intellectually more satisfying to him. But anyone who is his equal, in the looks department or intellectually, will make him feel bad and he couldn't be around them.
I am going to take this as a big compliment. That is my lesson to myself for the day!
The restless N
I went to an arboretum today with a friend and 4 dogs. It was beautiful - the colours were rich and the dogs were frolicking about.
I've been to this place a few times and I love it. I was wondering what it would have been like had XN come with me.
I know that I would have been really happy to have enjoyed the beautiful scenery and to have just been with him. We could have strolled about, hand in hand, then come home and gone out for a meal and a drink somewhere.
XN wouldn't have enjoyed it. He wouldn't have been happy enjoying the scenery and just being there with my company. Where was the audience?! Where were the beautiful people who would be dazzled by his looks and intellect?! My dog and the trees won't have been dazzled by him and he was bored of having me adore him.
XN always needed to be where the "beautiful people" were (and they always seemed to be somewhere else, just a little out of sight). It was ok if we were doing something that he considered to be worthy of him. He did things like come to the ballet with me a few times and to arty films. But enjoying a meal with just me where he had to talk, or a stroll around a beautiful arboretum with all the rich autumn colours? No....he'd get stressed.
XN could not do the things that normal people do when they are in a couple. It was just never enough. Me? I was just so happy to be somewhere lovely with the man I adored. Knowing that my company wasn't enough for him worked wonders in keeping me feeling inadequate and on my toes.
When I see couples strolling about, doing normally 'coupley' things, I wonder why XN and I aren't doing that but we rarely did that when we were together and things were going well. We always had to be doing something otherwise he'd get bored and stressed. I felt like I was constantly having to entertain him or he'd get distracted, feel bad and D&D me.
I remember once going out for a meal when we were in Australia last year. It was the last night of a supposedly romantic weekend that I'd booked for us in a pretty place called Noosa. We went for a meal and the food wasn't brilliant. XN went into a bad mood. I lost my temper then. He ruined much of the previous 2 week holiday and went into a mood because the food wasn't great.
I was just happy to be there with him in a restaurant overlooking the water in the balmy evening air. It didn't matter to me if the food was bad - I was content to be there with him.
I think he tried to make it up to me afterwards but I'd been worn down by his company over the previous 2 weeks (after 6 weeks of peace and calm in Australia without him) and I was exasperated.
I live in a bungalow that is a little cream haven to me. It is joined onto a carbon copy and next door a couple just a bit younger have moved in. I keep thinking - why aren't I and XN living like them? Happy and content in my lovely little house?
The reason? I think...because he didn't want to be. He didn't want the things that normal people want. He has to smash and ruin everything that's good in his life. That's the reason why he's not with me now.
I've been to this place a few times and I love it. I was wondering what it would have been like had XN come with me.
I know that I would have been really happy to have enjoyed the beautiful scenery and to have just been with him. We could have strolled about, hand in hand, then come home and gone out for a meal and a drink somewhere.
XN wouldn't have enjoyed it. He wouldn't have been happy enjoying the scenery and just being there with my company. Where was the audience?! Where were the beautiful people who would be dazzled by his looks and intellect?! My dog and the trees won't have been dazzled by him and he was bored of having me adore him.
XN always needed to be where the "beautiful people" were (and they always seemed to be somewhere else, just a little out of sight). It was ok if we were doing something that he considered to be worthy of him. He did things like come to the ballet with me a few times and to arty films. But enjoying a meal with just me where he had to talk, or a stroll around a beautiful arboretum with all the rich autumn colours? No....he'd get stressed.
XN could not do the things that normal people do when they are in a couple. It was just never enough. Me? I was just so happy to be somewhere lovely with the man I adored. Knowing that my company wasn't enough for him worked wonders in keeping me feeling inadequate and on my toes.
When I see couples strolling about, doing normally 'coupley' things, I wonder why XN and I aren't doing that but we rarely did that when we were together and things were going well. We always had to be doing something otherwise he'd get bored and stressed. I felt like I was constantly having to entertain him or he'd get distracted, feel bad and D&D me.
I remember once going out for a meal when we were in Australia last year. It was the last night of a supposedly romantic weekend that I'd booked for us in a pretty place called Noosa. We went for a meal and the food wasn't brilliant. XN went into a bad mood. I lost my temper then. He ruined much of the previous 2 week holiday and went into a mood because the food wasn't great.
I was just happy to be there with him in a restaurant overlooking the water in the balmy evening air. It didn't matter to me if the food was bad - I was content to be there with him.
I think he tried to make it up to me afterwards but I'd been worn down by his company over the previous 2 weeks (after 6 weeks of peace and calm in Australia without him) and I was exasperated.
I live in a bungalow that is a little cream haven to me. It is joined onto a carbon copy and next door a couple just a bit younger have moved in. I keep thinking - why aren't I and XN living like them? Happy and content in my lovely little house?
The reason? I think...because he didn't want to be. He didn't want the things that normal people want. He has to smash and ruin everything that's good in his life. That's the reason why he's not with me now.
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