Triangulated with the "other woman" - his mother

I had a moment of clarity today.

It came from something my therapist said about xN having unresolved issues with his mum.

The OW in my XN's life always was his mum.

Here are some thoughts that came to me today:

- xN's mum was a director in my old organisation.
- XN now works in a similar organisation (public sector) and has fixated on being a director of a similar organisation.

- At the beginning of the year, xN's mum was on antidepressants and I had heard from colleagues that she was seen as a bully at work.
- XN is on antidepressants, beta blockers, is in therapy, and had admitted to me that he'd been a bully (or at least hostile) to a couple of people he works with (but he didn't care and "they deserved it").

- XN's mum goes into work for at least one day at the weekend.
- XN went into work pretty much every Sunday that I knew him, even if the day was gorgeous and I was trying to drag him back into bed.

- They used to go shopping and to the theatre and to concerts together.
- He lived at home again for 6 years into his mid 30s. (He said he was miserable living at home and blamed me for him not moving out!)
- Whilst living at home, his mum fussed over him, and did everything for him, even changing his bedclothes etc.

- Once, when I'd gone into work at the weekend (when I worked at the same place as xN's mum), I asked him if he would come and meet me for lunch as the office was only 15 minutes from his parents' house. He said no, it was too far. His mum had also come into work that day. At lunchtime, I saw him come to the office to pick her up and take her out for lunch. When I asked him later why he'd taken her out and not me, he said that she'd been down and needed a boost! I thought....isn't that what her husband is for???

- He told me a few times that he thought his dad had "done well" to get his mum.

- She paid for a £9000 car for him, she booked him onto a masters course 2 years ago (which he didn't finish), she paid for him to do a publishing course after university (which he didn't do anything with).

- He talked about buying a house with her financial help in the city centre, where she could come and stay after a night out.

- She squeezed his spots for him (he used to ask me if I would do the same)!

- His parents didn't want him to move out at the beginning of the year (aged 34) when he told them he'd gone for therapy and was on beta blockers etc because they was worried about him.

- His mum and dad took him out for dinner last year (aged 33) to discuss his career.

- He said his mum told him he was beautiful every day.

- He has an older sister who has distanced herself from the family a little.

- He said he was unhappy living at home because his dad sniped at him (his dad seemed devoted to him and seemed very kind) and so he avoided being there as much as possible.

- When he got annoyed with me for asking him to, say, take his muddy shoes off my sofa, he would get annoyed and say that he was "surrounded by nagging women".

- He seems protective and proud of his mum. He seems to hate everyone else, especially me!