7 weeks NC

It's a Friday night and normally I'd be looking forward to him coming down to visit me for the weekend. I was aching today for the nice side of him; the side that was so normal, and so sweet, and funny, and affectionate. I get angry when I think of those nice times because he ruined it. He had to spoil it and for no good reason (other than the fact that he's mentally ill...).

I had so much in common with him - same backgrounds, around the same age, same kind of education, same values (I thought), we liked doing the same things, he was intellectual and literary and cultured and sporty....all things I wanted in a man. He was exciting and a good cook too (and I'm rubbish!). And our chemisty in the bedroom was....well...I miss it, put it that way. He was exciting in that he was more of a risk taker than me. He persuaded me to get of out my comfort zone a lot, with even insignificant things like trying different foods.

I'm 7 weeks NC today (no hoovering attempts on his part at all) and my first thought this morning when I woke up was "it's 7 weeks today", not, "it's Friday, I've a whole 3 day weekend to look forward to, the sun is shining...". My first thought every day since I went NC has been some sort of reference to him, how long it's been since I've seen him, or to miss him.

I'm convinced that he had borderline personality disorder as well as NPD and I veer between thinking "poor him, oh well, it could never have worked between us" to thinking "grrr!! I persuaded him to get therapy..why could he not have got himself sorted out? He was my perfect man when he was sane and lucid. Why did he have to ruin it?"

Nothing bad happened to xN in his life. He has loving parents, if a little misguided. Why did it have to be such a waste of his life and a waste of my hopes and dreams with him?

I long for the day when I'm over him. Why did he have to offer me everything I wanted on a plate and then whip it away cruelly?

I wonder what he's thinking now and whether he misses me or if he's glad I'm out of his life. Mine was a loner and quite depressed so I'm sure he's not out partying til all hours and pulling scores of women. And, in his sane moments, I think he will realise that he messed this up, but I'm sure he will convince himself that, if he'd really wanted me, we'd still be together.

I suppose it's perfectly normal to miss the good guy that I glimpsed from time to time (fake or not). I had genuine feelings for this person, even if the man himself wasn't genuine. Unfortunately, they can't just be switched off. Intellectually I can rationalise their behaviour but it still hurts.