It's a bank holiday weekend. It's a gorgeous sunny day.
Why am I not waking up with him this morning? We'd have hugged in bed for a bit before getting up and having a leisurely breakfast. Then taken the dog out for a walk somewhere nice, maybe gone for a picnic. We'd have gone out in the evening for a meal and would have sat holding hands across the table like a couple on our 3rd date but with the intimacy of our years together, and then would have come home for some more romance in bed.
I'd have lain in bed, tracing the outline of his gorgeous mouth with my fingers, stroking his hair, and feeling love towards him. I'd never found anyone so attractive. Physically, I'd never liked so much about one person. All his little imperfections made him attractive to me all the more.
Instead, I'm waking up on my own. I have to stay at home this weekend because I'm on call with work. I'll be taking the dog for a walk on my own, and all weekend I'll be either trying not to think about him at all, trying to make sense of why he's not with me or wondering what he's doing and if he's happy without me.
I've read book after book, scoured the internet, and turned my brain inside out trying to make sense of it.
He's mentally ill, I know that. So why did he have to be so normal sometimes? I'm a good person - why did the universe have to reward me with someone who was so close to everything I ever wanted, except for the small matter of the personality disorder?
I'm feeling sorry for myself today. The weekends are always hard, especially as I have an enforced weekend at home because I'm on call. I've been looking forward to having a rest but I feel down now that the weekend has arrived.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment