28 days NC, 5 days no N dipping

I'm pleased I'm at 28 days, and am pleased with myself for not N dipping. But I think I'm feeling sad because the reality is hitting home, now that the elation of taking control has worn off.

This guy took nearly 6 years of my life and I meant nothing to him. I gave up my 'prime' because of someone who didn't care about me at all. I may not have a family now - not that I know if I even want kids but it would be nice to have the option someday and, at 33, time isn't on my side to meet someone and go down that road.

I think his lack of hoovering has upset me too although I know enough now to understand that this wouldn't mean he cared anyway.

My N was always depressed and very passive. He never ran after me. There were times when I was desperate for him to just turn up at my house after he'd upset me (I lived an hour from him). Even the fact of him doing that would have shown me that he cared enough to make some sort of effort. I think that happened a handful of times.

I know that he'll have just shrugged his shoulders when I went NC, decided that I just made him miserable anyway, and that he's better off without me because I'm such an evil witch (I'm really not...! I loved that man!).

During one of our last conversations, he said that he wasn't going to run away from me this time and that he would try to sort things out (one of the things he was working on in his therapy was his tendency to just avoid anthing that was too difficult for him). However, I realised that he wasn't going to change and decided to walk away. When I did this, his efforts extended to three phone calls, one very short e-mail, and a handful of self absorbed text messages.

Very proactive!

I thought this man was everything I ever wanted as well...I really did. Looks, interests, the physical side was amazing, he was intelligent (though not emotionally so, I know now)), he was cultured, we work in the same field, we have the same backgrounds...I'm sad that I may never meet someone again who (seemed to) offer me everything I'd ever wanted in a man.

I don't know if I want a family. I could have done with my previous (non N) partner who was desperate for kids but I didn't want them with him. I guess I'm feeling frustrated because I gave up so much for this man (the N) and it feels like a waste of my life. I know I'll have learnt from this experience, and I know that it won't be completely wasted because of that, but I feel that I gave up nearly 6 years of my precious life to someone who felt nothing for me and who just used me.

If I'd have felt he cared, and it just hadn't worked out, it would have been different. I guess that's another way that relationships with Ns get to us so much. The realisation that they never cared about us makes the time we gave them feel like such a colossal waste of life (I do anyway).

I got out 3 days after my 33rd birthday. That was a turning point for me. I didn't want to wake up when I was 40 having battled to keep the relationship going for another 6/7 years only to think "oh my god, where's my life gone". I was determined not to let that happen so I got out.

I did think that when I was 30 but I still felt that time was on my side then and I was still under the cloud of "malignant optimism"!