The history - my very first post from July 2009

I’m trying to extricate myself from a 6 year relationship with an N. I keep thinking about what is wrong with me that I would want to put up with the behaviour that I experienced, the lies, the flirting and the verbal abuse. I thought I was just a nice person who could see his deep unhappiness but I now wonder if I am needy, dependent, don’t know my own mind.

I’m amazed at how many of the experiences I’ve read mirror mine exactly. It’s frightening how similar their behaviour is, how you can almost predict what they’re going to do or say. The article by Alexandra Nouri is my new bible. Whenever, I feel I miss him too much, I read that.

The last straw for me was last week when I found out on the morning we were due to fly to Spain for a holiday that he’d been lying to me about a girl in work he’d had a crush on. She has a boyfriend so I’m not sure if the feelings were reciprocated but he certainly idealized her. I asked him in a very calm way why he’d lied again about spending time with her (he’d made me feel sorry for him the weekend before because he wasn’t doing anything. Then he went to play golf when the whole time he had plans to spend the afternoon with her and another girl from work). He got very abusive, told me he hated me, that he was the opposite of sorry, that I make him lie because of my reactions to things he does, that I didn’t like him having friends etc etc. After 5 minutes of this, I realized that I wasn’t going to get even a semblance of an apology, asked him to leave and threatened to call the police if he didn’t.

He then booked himself another trip to Spain and went anyway after sending me an e-mail finishing with me for being too ‘demanding’.

An example of a recent statement of his was about the girl he a crush on. I pointed out that he might be embarrassing her by making his feelings known and getting him in trouble with her boyfriend by texting and flirting. He said that she probably did know and that it would probably be a boost to her self-esteem if she did. (And – obviously if I objected to that – then I’m just a b*tch who would deny some girl he works with a boost to her self-esteem.) I tried arguing that one with him and saw my sanity go down the plughole.

Last year he went to a strip club on a stag night. I disagree with these places anyway. When he came back, laughing about what he’d done, I was upset. His response, hurled at me from across the room, was that ‘I had no right to be upset’ and that ‘I was just jealous because other women have better bodies than me’. I’m eight & a half stone but I tried to lose weight and considered cosmetic surgery because his words hit hard, until I realized angrily, some months later, that he was the problem, not me, although I got lured back in.

We broke up six months ago but I persuaded him to get some professional help for what I thought was depression & stress and he did. He was very grateful to me and thanked me, genuinely I thought – he said that no-one had done such a nice thing for him ever and railed at his parents for not making him seek therapy much earlier (he is 34 and until recently has only just moved out of his parents’ home). Since he started his therapy for what was diagnosed as a ‘stress disorder’ he calmed down a little. But his lying and flirting and looking at porn has become worse as he has an excuse for it. He blamed his lying and his flirting that he was just "getting to know himself again" thanks to the therapy.

I found out about the girl in work when he left some of his writing lying around. I saw it next to his bed one day when I’d gone to visit (I moved away a few months ago, perhaps as a subconscious way of getting away from him). He wrote about this girl but he also wrote that he’d never really loved anyone. That didn’t surprise me. I don’t think he is capable of it.


I always felt sorry for him. I still do but I think he is a deeply unhappy person and I was losing my sanity. One time he lied to me, and when I challenged him about the lie, he said ‘yes but I could have been doing what I pretended to be doing’. To which I replied, ‘yes, but you weren’t!’ and he just kept coming back and saying ‘yes, but I could have been, how were you to know!’ You sit at the other end of the phone, or you stand staring thinking ‘is it me? Am I going mad here?!’

He could be so sweet. He could be lovely and kind and tender to me. Yet he could also have the most spectacular rages and would go around punching walls and his own head even, started off by something so insignificant.

I miss him a lot – well, I miss the person I thought he was deep down. I’m an intelligent woman, or so I thought. I cannot understand why I didn’t see him for what he was, and what was wrong with me that I latched onto someone who could be so cruel.

He came back from Spain a week ago and tried rather half heartedly to get in touch but I have gone for NC. I have ignored e-mails, phone calls and texts. I felt cruel doing that but know that if I speak to him, he’ll mess with my head again. He’ll either lure me back in or he’ll spout abuse at me down the phone, or he’ll try and make it sound like he’s finished the relationship by saying something about how it was too hard. I hate myself for being like this but I feel that responding to him hands him back the tiny bit of power that I have left and I don’t want him to wrest that from me.

I don’t think he cares about me either otherwise I would respond to say goodbye if nothing else but I do not believe he does now, though I had believed he did from time to time.

I only started reading up about NPD last weekend and I finally got the courage to go NC.

Before he left for his trip to Spain we'd had a long conversation. I'd told him how hurt I was that, despite promising me he wouldn't lie to me again, and especially about this girl, several times, and he'd just got angry again. He said there was nothing wrong with lying and that there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't mind someone doing that (I wished him luck in finding someone who would put up with it!).

The afternoon that he'd been out with these girls whilst telling me that he was playing golf I'd been out with my aunt. She had an accident and broke her leg in the middle of nowhere (got hit by a dog, believe it or not). Whilst I was cradling her in a field waiting for the ambulance to come, he was out getting drunk in a park with these girls, who, by the way, are ten years younger than us (who presumably think I'm a hysterical nutter). When I said this to him, he came back with 'what's the problem, it's just a broken leg!' in such a harsh voice. Oh sorry, that's all right then.

Whilst he was away last week, I didn't know what I was going to do but it was his text message when he came back that made me on the spur of the moment decide on NC. His message said "I'm back". That was it. No, 'how are you? How was your weekend? I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you last week. Hope your aunt's improving' (she was still in hospital). I thought - you really don't care about me, do you? You only care about what I can do for you. And so I didn't reply. Nor have I replied to the messages and phonecalls and e-mails since though they have died off now.

It hurts that in the last few months, whilst he's been having therapy, I've supported him and modified my behaviour to accommodate what we thought was a stress disorder. He talked to me about his problems & his therapy, even though I felt a little uncomfortable with it. (I was concerned that he would associate me with feeling negative and with being his 'rescuer' instead of his girlfriend.) However, I felt like he trusted me because he shared a lot of his therapy discussions with me and no-one else knows he is even having it (he wouldn't tell anyone - they might think he's crazy or something!).

So there I am, helping him with the self-esteem exercises that his therapist has given him, and all the time he's grinding mine down into the ground by idealising this other girl and ignoring me because I'm just "too hard". Funny that when - for example - I get a text message that he's sent to me by mistake meant for this girl in work.

So many phrases that I've heard ring true - "who do you think you are, speaking to me like that?" (screamed at the top of his voice)
"Your expectations of me are too high."
"If I'm not meeting your needs, then there's no point us seeing each other anymore."
"I lie to you because you always react so badly." (yes, because you've lied to me)
"Do you f*cking want me here or not?" (shouted at me after my cat died)
"You're lucky I'm still here, I'm so tired" (shouted at me 2.5 years ago after my brother had an accident, and I'd been to see him in hospital then driven five hours back home)
"No one else makes me feel as stressed as you do". (perhaps because he's not close to anyone else)
"It's too hard for me when you're upset with me so I avoid you."
“Don’t go out tonight to see your friends. Stay in and talk to me after I’ve been to the therapist/doctor. This is important!”
“You wilful little *****!” said most times after I'd confronted him about a lie/looking at porn/something else.

Yet this same person can thank me for persuading him to get therapy, can tell me that he felt like the sun was shining on him when we were together and things were going well, can buy me the sweetest, most thoughtful presents, that I use all the time, can say - I'm so sorry, tell me what I can do to make this better. I want to make this work (said to me 2 weeks ago after we'd rowed about the girl in work again). The physical side was always good too, though I read an article that said that that isn't unusual as that is yet another thing that Ns regard as a performance.

I turned 33 last week (guess what - he "doesn't do birthdays", though, after I said "well, I do!" he bought me a lovely present!) and I don't want to be going into my 35th or 40th year wondering where my life has gone. I don't have kids and, if I did want them at some point, I'm rapidly losing my chance to meet a good guy who I would have kids with.

I have read somewhere that the partners of Ns can sometimes feel that they are suffering from PTSD. I have been feeling like this and have considered therapy & going off work sick but then I hate to think that he's got to me that much. He'll be walking around in work, whistling, basking in the attention of the girls in work who'll think I'm horrible for just cutting him off and who will no doubt be running around trying to find someone else to set him up with.

So I think that if he isn't moping over me, then I don't want to waste time moping over him. Easier said than done though, isn't it!

Crying

If I cried, my ex just seemed to despise me more. It would fuel his rages and he would pace up and down shouting at me more whilst I sat there and sobbed in disbelief that someone could 1. hurt me the way he had in the first place, 2. despise me for being upset.

I'm not sure what part of them is missing but something is because it's a natural human reaction to want to comfort someone, especially someone you care about, when they are upset.

I'm not sure if it's because us showing natural emotions holds a mirror up to their own inadequate, underdeveloped emotions or whether they just despise weakness.

Either way, horrible to be on the end of that.

He said to me once, not long after we'd been together, 'oh pleeease give me another chance...' in the most horrible voice. I remember feeling so taken aback that someone could be so nasty....fast forward 6 years and I'm still wondering...!!

He did start trying to comfort me towards the end, in a really contrived way, and I would push him away. And that gave him ammunition for saying - "see, you never want affection from me - you are so cold!" I guess I appreciated mine for at least trying but it did feel unnatural - like most of the nice things he did.

Another time, when he did and said something that was so hurtful I was almost physcially sick (I think I'm a fairly sensible person and that's the most extreme reaction I've ever had with him) I sat there rocking on the bed, sobbing, thinking 'I'm going to be sick, I'm going to be sick'. He stood there saying 'don't be so bloody dramatic, stop playing these games, you're not going to WIN on this one, you know' and then he mimicked my almost hysterical breathing.

And then I threw my arms around him and we all lived happily ever after...

No, actually, I - who am one of the world's biggest softies - actually fantasised about stabbing him through his non-existent heart with a big knife. Very healthy.