A really bad trigger today

So today I was in a pub meeting someone for lunch and a song came on in the background. It was a terrible trigger for me. I had to go and stand outside until it had passed. Then, as I was paying, it came on again. The songs are in a loop on the stereo system apparently.

I was a wreck. I had to grab my bag and get out of there.

It took me right back to a time years ago when I was sitting in my car on my way to work, listening to this CD and thinking that I loved this man so, so much but that I could tell this relationship was going to cause me a lot of pain. I wanted the relationship to work so much. I wanted my future to be with him and I remember thinking that this felt like an ill fated love story.

Cannonball by Damien Rice

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So its not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon.

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause its not hard to fall,
And I don't want to scare her
Its not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
Its not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJbz5HaKCJc

But then......

I went Christmas shopping today and I was missing XN just a teeny bit.

I found some fun things and remembered how I'd show him silly things I'd found and I'd try to make him laugh (not easy). And how nothing ever seemed good enough for him no matter what it was - what we ate, what we did, what I said, things I bought, etc etc.

I remembered some other, nice times we had.

We had a really good night out on a friend's 30th birthday party a few years ago....but then XN went nuts back at the hotel after having too much to drink and was raging and throwing things around.

We had a nice trip to Spain a couple of years ago....but then XN would go into a mood and spoil the trip by not speaking to me.

We would have a nice weekend together....but then XN would get into his "Sunday stress" and, after D&D'ing me, would have to go off into work to occupy himself and take his mind off it.

He started getting professional help...but then decided he was better and spent a fortune on clothes for his "new image" instead.

He would be sorry for all the things he'd done to hurt me, the lying, the porn...but then would go and do them all again.

There was always a "but" with XN.