I've moved 170 miles away from XN. The girl I went out with tonight has moved to where I live from about 100 miles away. We'd arranged to go out tonight for some food and to see a film.
Over our food I asked how she ended up in the job she's doing (in the health service). She said she'd done a master's in healthcare economics. I said, oh, my X did that too, and asked her where because I know there are only a few places in the country that offer this course.
It turns out he was on the same course as her 2 years ago. Except, because he was never sure about the course and his mum had actually booked him on it as he was moaning about a lack of direction in his life, he didn't finish it. Whenever I'd asked him whether he was going to finish his course or not, he'd jump down my throat and I never got a straight answer.
When this girl, J, said she knew XN, I tentatively asked what he'd been like on the course. She said that she'd thought he was alright and that he was fairly quiet but would occasionally pipe up sounding very knowledgeable. But, that all of a sudden, he'd disappeared off the face of the planet and hadn't responded to any e-mails or texts from any of the others on the course. She said that he'd made friends with a couple of guys on the course and they'd go out socially when they were on their week long stints at the university. One had become a dad and had tried to get in touch to tell XN. They got nothing back from him and had wondered what had happened to him. J said she had organised a couple of social events for the 20 or so people on the course and he'd never responded to her.
This is what XN did to people all the time and this is why I was so convinced that he would not try to contact me after his initial 3 day effort. He is very good at cutting people off.
With this incident, he wouldn't have wanted to admit to anyone that he didn't want to do the course and that's why he wouldn't talk to me or anyone else about it.
It's so weird that I am nearly 200 miles from XN and a colleague of mine knew him. It sounds like he managed to put up a good facade at college but the way he cut them all off when he was avoiding making a decision about the course was almost clinical.
So strange!
Friday, 1 January 2010
Christmas morning
I thought of him as I woke on Christmas morning
But was it was him I was really mourning
Or more the man I thought he could be,
That dream man who kept eluding me?
How could I miss a man who never existed,
His true feelings childlike, his emotions restricted;
Only happy when wallowing in misery
Or wringing attention – good and bad – from me?
There was no ‘person’ behind the mask.
The ‘good man’ always just beyond my grasp.
I’d try my hardest and he’d promise he’d change,
But his kind persona was never sustained
At Christmas he’d retreat and I’d be neglected,
I became, every time, an ex, his rejected.
So I thought of him today with curiousity, sadness.
Will he think of me – the girl he made feel so worthless?
In the new year, I know my sadness will subside.
Soon I’ll glad he is no more by my side
My boundaries will be firm, my self-worth revived
And I will proclaim – "I met an ‘N’ and survived"!
Here's to 2010!
But was it was him I was really mourning
Or more the man I thought he could be,
That dream man who kept eluding me?
How could I miss a man who never existed,
His true feelings childlike, his emotions restricted;
Only happy when wallowing in misery
Or wringing attention – good and bad – from me?
There was no ‘person’ behind the mask.
The ‘good man’ always just beyond my grasp.
I’d try my hardest and he’d promise he’d change,
But his kind persona was never sustained
At Christmas he’d retreat and I’d be neglected,
I became, every time, an ex, his rejected.
So I thought of him today with curiousity, sadness.
Will he think of me – the girl he made feel so worthless?
In the new year, I know my sadness will subside.
Soon I’ll glad he is no more by my side
My boundaries will be firm, my self-worth revived
And I will proclaim – "I met an ‘N’ and survived"!
Here's to 2010!
Even now having little lightbulb moments
I had a 2 hour drive to my parents' today which gave me some thinking time. I'm still feeling very raw after my trigger on Wednesday and I've dreamed about XN 2 nights in a row now, which I've hardly done at all.
I was thinking today about how upset I was to lose my holiday to Spain in July as I kicked him out the morning of our trip. I was thinking of how much I'd wanted to go and wondering what would have happened had I gone, despite finding out that morning that XN had lied again (it was his subsequent reaction to my asking about it was what prompted me to pick his bags up and put them outside the front door and then ask him to leave - all before 3:30am).
I wondered if I could have had the trip and sorted things out after?
I realised that - no, I couldn't have done. Had I done, I couldn't have looked at myself in the mirror again. I'd clearly had very weak boundaries before that but this time I had reached my limit. It meant losing him and losing my holiday but there was no other option for me. Yes, I was gutted my trip to Spain but had I got in the car with him to drive to the airport, I would have been saying that the way he behaved was acceptable and I wasn't prepared to do that anymore.
Despite me saying, 'don't treat me like this', me going on holiday with him would have sent him the clear message that it was ok to treat me however he wanted because I wouldn't enforce my boundaries. Luckily, I had enough self-respect left to ensure that this time I did enforce my boundaries. My holiday wasn't an option anymore.
XN always said to me that it takes two to make a relationship this dysfunctional. My therapist agreed - one to dish it out and one to take out. As soon as I refused to take the abuse anymore, there was no relationship, dysfunctional or otherwise, any longer.
The other thing that occurred to me was about XN's swearing. He swore all the time, swore at me, called me names, called other people names (but behind their backs). Whenever I asked him not to swear at me, he would say that it didn't mean anything. *His* swearing, apparently, didn't mean the same to him as swearing did to everyone else so it was ok to call me names!
I realise now what a grandiose and stupid argument that was. He was arguing that, because he used swear words in the same way that others would use ordinary words, it was ok and I shouldn't read too much into them.
"Excuse me, Officer - yes, I murdered the person whose corpse you see in front of us. But it's ok - I don't view murder in the same way as everyone else. My view of murder is special so you can let me off!"
Hmm....what an argument!
Jess
I was thinking today about how upset I was to lose my holiday to Spain in July as I kicked him out the morning of our trip. I was thinking of how much I'd wanted to go and wondering what would have happened had I gone, despite finding out that morning that XN had lied again (it was his subsequent reaction to my asking about it was what prompted me to pick his bags up and put them outside the front door and then ask him to leave - all before 3:30am).
I wondered if I could have had the trip and sorted things out after?
I realised that - no, I couldn't have done. Had I done, I couldn't have looked at myself in the mirror again. I'd clearly had very weak boundaries before that but this time I had reached my limit. It meant losing him and losing my holiday but there was no other option for me. Yes, I was gutted my trip to Spain but had I got in the car with him to drive to the airport, I would have been saying that the way he behaved was acceptable and I wasn't prepared to do that anymore.
Despite me saying, 'don't treat me like this', me going on holiday with him would have sent him the clear message that it was ok to treat me however he wanted because I wouldn't enforce my boundaries. Luckily, I had enough self-respect left to ensure that this time I did enforce my boundaries. My holiday wasn't an option anymore.
XN always said to me that it takes two to make a relationship this dysfunctional. My therapist agreed - one to dish it out and one to take out. As soon as I refused to take the abuse anymore, there was no relationship, dysfunctional or otherwise, any longer.
The other thing that occurred to me was about XN's swearing. He swore all the time, swore at me, called me names, called other people names (but behind their backs). Whenever I asked him not to swear at me, he would say that it didn't mean anything. *His* swearing, apparently, didn't mean the same to him as swearing did to everyone else so it was ok to call me names!
I realise now what a grandiose and stupid argument that was. He was arguing that, because he used swear words in the same way that others would use ordinary words, it was ok and I shouldn't read too much into them.
"Excuse me, Officer - yes, I murdered the person whose corpse you see in front of us. But it's ok - I don't view murder in the same way as everyone else. My view of murder is special so you can let me off!"
Hmm....what an argument!
Jess
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