Why I stayed - my ignorance

I know that there are many, many reasons why I stayed, some of which haven't even occurred to me yet that I'm sure will come out in therapy, but I realised that, other than me loving him, the main reason why I stayed was ignorance.

I say ignorance because:
1. I had no idea what a personality disorder was (even though I work for the NHS, my knowledge/experience of MH disorders has been limited). My knowledge extended to putting people into 4 camps:

- those who were in secure units having gone off their rockers,
- those who have something like depression that I thought could be cured or treated,
- those who have dementia etc which comes in old age,
- and those who have good mental health.

As XN wasn't in a straitjacket in a unit somewhere, wasn't old enough to have dementia, and wasn't quite well enough to be considered healthy, I assumed that he must have depression and that we could manage that with the right treatment (he was on antidepressants when I met him). I'd had a bout of it myself so I understood (or so I thought) the way he felt.

I'd got better in time and I thought so could he.

2. I had no idea I was being abused. I knew hitting your partner was wrong but he didn't hit me so it didn't even occur to me that I was being abused. After one of his rages though, I always felt mentally and emotionally battered.

Only about 3 months ago, I e-mailed a friend and asked if he thought I was abusing xN because XN had told me I was bullying him (classic projection now, I see). I put up with his behaviour for 6 years of my precious life, not having any idea that I was a victim at the hands of an abuser.

I know not everyone is as ignorant as me when it comes to these things but I think/hope that I had I been aware of them - as I certainly am now - I would have had my eyes opened a long time ago.

Now that I am more aware I am determined to never again be the victim of an abuser. I hope that one day children are taught about abusive relationships in schools as it might arm people with the knowledge that they need to avoid those who might be abusers.

I accept that, even had I known all these things, I may have stayed with XN anyway, but I am a strong person and I like to believe that, armed with the knowledge I have now, I would have realised that the situation would never have changed.

If only I had known then what I know now. I want to shout from the rooftops about abuse and about Ns so that others know not to get involved.