Christmas

Christmas Eve, now technically Christmas Day, and I'm not feeling so good. I thought I would set down how I'm feeling but also don't want to wallow in these feelings like he would have done, and probably is doing right now.

This should be a happy time. My family is all together for the first time in years. My brother, sister-in-law and nephew are visiting from the other side of the world. Yet in 2 days I've gradually become more and more silent because opening my mouth is a surefire way to be talked down to, ignored, be the butt of jokes.

And people wondered why I stayed with him for so long. Maybe it didn't seem so bad having someone who was horrible to me because that's what I'm used to. It's time I started to nip it in the bud.

I feel very alone tonight. Everyone I know has someone. I have a pissed ex phoning me from the other side of the world. This is someone who didn't even know me in the first place so I don't feel as if he was ever there for me either.

I am trying not to get too morbid, if that's the right word, about where I am in life - i.e. not where I want to be at all. I have been seriously thinking about moving to Australia but my brother, who lives there, seems incapable of holding an adult to adult conversation with me. He is very much in older brother mode and is patronising, smug and grumpy most of the time.

In two days, my cooking has been criticised, and that's becoming a very old joke now.

My possible redundancy has been laughed at.

My talking has been the subject of digs from the parent.

Trying to clear the snow from the driveway earlier led to accusations that I was going to damage the tarmac.

The music that I put on is turned off.

Plus there have been several other little digs and put downs that aren't funny, especially when they come from someone with an audience rather than one person.

I find that my mum becomes inauthentic, laughing fakely at things that aren't funny. Trying so hard to enjoy having my brother here that she laughs along with everything and turns her nose up at me. And to think that one of the reasons why I have been so reluctant to leave the country is because of them.

If I had someone to protect me, they wouldn't behave like this. I'm 34 for god's sake. I'm not a little girl anymore. I'm earning more than any of them have in their careers.

The only adult conversation that I've had has been with one of my dad's friends who visited earlier.

My sister-in-law is nice most of the time but trivialises my feelings and thoughts on some subjects, noticeably the reason why I started this blog.

So what do I do about it? I play up to it, trying to get attention. I try to start conversations. I accept the jokes. I laugh too, sometimes sarcastically but I laugh too. I need to get them to change their behaviour.

Jeez, what a contrast to how I feel when I am around people who make me feel good; who take me seriously; who listen to me; who are interested in my life.

I become this 12 year old again when I am here. I need to think of techniques to help me out here. One tactic I have is to go quiet. It's a survival technique. If I don't say anything, they can't use it against me. But why the hell should I have to shut my mouth in order to stop other people treating me like a child?

Ok, so maybe Christmas Day isn't the day for a dramatic storming out from the room with a 'don't speak to me like that again' speech. But I need to think of how I can stand up to them and be more assertive. I get so sad at times like this. My life isn't a bad one but I don't feel happy or even content deep down and I feel positively unhappy when I am around my family.

Happy Christmas everyone.

The history - my very first post from July 2009

I’m trying to extricate myself from a 6 year relationship with an N. I keep thinking about what is wrong with me that I would want to put up with the behaviour that I experienced, the lies, the flirting and the verbal abuse. I thought I was just a nice person who could see his deep unhappiness but I now wonder if I am needy, dependent, don’t know my own mind.

I’m amazed at how many of the experiences I’ve read mirror mine exactly. It’s frightening how similar their behaviour is, how you can almost predict what they’re going to do or say. The article by Alexandra Nouri is my new bible. Whenever, I feel I miss him too much, I read that.

The last straw for me was last week when I found out on the morning we were due to fly to Spain for a holiday that he’d been lying to me about a girl in work he’d had a crush on. She has a boyfriend so I’m not sure if the feelings were reciprocated but he certainly idealized her. I asked him in a very calm way why he’d lied again about spending time with her (he’d made me feel sorry for him the weekend before because he wasn’t doing anything. Then he went to play golf when the whole time he had plans to spend the afternoon with her and another girl from work). He got very abusive, told me he hated me, that he was the opposite of sorry, that I make him lie because of my reactions to things he does, that I didn’t like him having friends etc etc. After 5 minutes of this, I realized that I wasn’t going to get even a semblance of an apology, asked him to leave and threatened to call the police if he didn’t.

He then booked himself another trip to Spain and went anyway after sending me an e-mail finishing with me for being too ‘demanding’.

An example of a recent statement of his was about the girl he a crush on. I pointed out that he might be embarrassing her by making his feelings known and getting him in trouble with her boyfriend by texting and flirting. He said that she probably did know and that it would probably be a boost to her self-esteem if she did. (And – obviously if I objected to that – then I’m just a b*tch who would deny some girl he works with a boost to her self-esteem.) I tried arguing that one with him and saw my sanity go down the plughole.

Last year he went to a strip club on a stag night. I disagree with these places anyway. When he came back, laughing about what he’d done, I was upset. His response, hurled at me from across the room, was that ‘I had no right to be upset’ and that ‘I was just jealous because other women have better bodies than me’. I’m eight & a half stone but I tried to lose weight and considered cosmetic surgery because his words hit hard, until I realized angrily, some months later, that he was the problem, not me, although I got lured back in.

We broke up six months ago but I persuaded him to get some professional help for what I thought was depression & stress and he did. He was very grateful to me and thanked me, genuinely I thought – he said that no-one had done such a nice thing for him ever and railed at his parents for not making him seek therapy much earlier (he is 34 and until recently has only just moved out of his parents’ home). Since he started his therapy for what was diagnosed as a ‘stress disorder’ he calmed down a little. But his lying and flirting and looking at porn has become worse as he has an excuse for it. He blamed his lying and his flirting that he was just "getting to know himself again" thanks to the therapy.

I found out about the girl in work when he left some of his writing lying around. I saw it next to his bed one day when I’d gone to visit (I moved away a few months ago, perhaps as a subconscious way of getting away from him). He wrote about this girl but he also wrote that he’d never really loved anyone. That didn’t surprise me. I don’t think he is capable of it.


I always felt sorry for him. I still do but I think he is a deeply unhappy person and I was losing my sanity. One time he lied to me, and when I challenged him about the lie, he said ‘yes but I could have been doing what I pretended to be doing’. To which I replied, ‘yes, but you weren’t!’ and he just kept coming back and saying ‘yes, but I could have been, how were you to know!’ You sit at the other end of the phone, or you stand staring thinking ‘is it me? Am I going mad here?!’

He could be so sweet. He could be lovely and kind and tender to me. Yet he could also have the most spectacular rages and would go around punching walls and his own head even, started off by something so insignificant.

I miss him a lot – well, I miss the person I thought he was deep down. I’m an intelligent woman, or so I thought. I cannot understand why I didn’t see him for what he was, and what was wrong with me that I latched onto someone who could be so cruel.

He came back from Spain a week ago and tried rather half heartedly to get in touch but I have gone for NC. I have ignored e-mails, phone calls and texts. I felt cruel doing that but know that if I speak to him, he’ll mess with my head again. He’ll either lure me back in or he’ll spout abuse at me down the phone, or he’ll try and make it sound like he’s finished the relationship by saying something about how it was too hard. I hate myself for being like this but I feel that responding to him hands him back the tiny bit of power that I have left and I don’t want him to wrest that from me.

I don’t think he cares about me either otherwise I would respond to say goodbye if nothing else but I do not believe he does now, though I had believed he did from time to time.

I only started reading up about NPD last weekend and I finally got the courage to go NC.

Before he left for his trip to Spain we'd had a long conversation. I'd told him how hurt I was that, despite promising me he wouldn't lie to me again, and especially about this girl, several times, and he'd just got angry again. He said there was nothing wrong with lying and that there are plenty of women out there who wouldn't mind someone doing that (I wished him luck in finding someone who would put up with it!).

The afternoon that he'd been out with these girls whilst telling me that he was playing golf I'd been out with my aunt. She had an accident and broke her leg in the middle of nowhere (got hit by a dog, believe it or not). Whilst I was cradling her in a field waiting for the ambulance to come, he was out getting drunk in a park with these girls, who, by the way, are ten years younger than us (who presumably think I'm a hysterical nutter). When I said this to him, he came back with 'what's the problem, it's just a broken leg!' in such a harsh voice. Oh sorry, that's all right then.

Whilst he was away last week, I didn't know what I was going to do but it was his text message when he came back that made me on the spur of the moment decide on NC. His message said "I'm back". That was it. No, 'how are you? How was your weekend? I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you last week. Hope your aunt's improving' (she was still in hospital). I thought - you really don't care about me, do you? You only care about what I can do for you. And so I didn't reply. Nor have I replied to the messages and phonecalls and e-mails since though they have died off now.

It hurts that in the last few months, whilst he's been having therapy, I've supported him and modified my behaviour to accommodate what we thought was a stress disorder. He talked to me about his problems & his therapy, even though I felt a little uncomfortable with it. (I was concerned that he would associate me with feeling negative and with being his 'rescuer' instead of his girlfriend.) However, I felt like he trusted me because he shared a lot of his therapy discussions with me and no-one else knows he is even having it (he wouldn't tell anyone - they might think he's crazy or something!).

So there I am, helping him with the self-esteem exercises that his therapist has given him, and all the time he's grinding mine down into the ground by idealising this other girl and ignoring me because I'm just "too hard". Funny that when - for example - I get a text message that he's sent to me by mistake meant for this girl in work.

So many phrases that I've heard ring true - "who do you think you are, speaking to me like that?" (screamed at the top of his voice)
"Your expectations of me are too high."
"If I'm not meeting your needs, then there's no point us seeing each other anymore."
"I lie to you because you always react so badly." (yes, because you've lied to me)
"Do you f*cking want me here or not?" (shouted at me after my cat died)
"You're lucky I'm still here, I'm so tired" (shouted at me 2.5 years ago after my brother had an accident, and I'd been to see him in hospital then driven five hours back home)
"No one else makes me feel as stressed as you do". (perhaps because he's not close to anyone else)
"It's too hard for me when you're upset with me so I avoid you."
“Don’t go out tonight to see your friends. Stay in and talk to me after I’ve been to the therapist/doctor. This is important!”
“You wilful little *****!” said most times after I'd confronted him about a lie/looking at porn/something else.

Yet this same person can thank me for persuading him to get therapy, can tell me that he felt like the sun was shining on him when we were together and things were going well, can buy me the sweetest, most thoughtful presents, that I use all the time, can say - I'm so sorry, tell me what I can do to make this better. I want to make this work (said to me 2 weeks ago after we'd rowed about the girl in work again). The physical side was always good too, though I read an article that said that that isn't unusual as that is yet another thing that Ns regard as a performance.

I turned 33 last week (guess what - he "doesn't do birthdays", though, after I said "well, I do!" he bought me a lovely present!) and I don't want to be going into my 35th or 40th year wondering where my life has gone. I don't have kids and, if I did want them at some point, I'm rapidly losing my chance to meet a good guy who I would have kids with.

I have read somewhere that the partners of Ns can sometimes feel that they are suffering from PTSD. I have been feeling like this and have considered therapy & going off work sick but then I hate to think that he's got to me that much. He'll be walking around in work, whistling, basking in the attention of the girls in work who'll think I'm horrible for just cutting him off and who will no doubt be running around trying to find someone else to set him up with.

So I think that if he isn't moping over me, then I don't want to waste time moping over him. Easier said than done though, isn't it!

Crying

If I cried, my ex just seemed to despise me more. It would fuel his rages and he would pace up and down shouting at me more whilst I sat there and sobbed in disbelief that someone could 1. hurt me the way he had in the first place, 2. despise me for being upset.

I'm not sure what part of them is missing but something is because it's a natural human reaction to want to comfort someone, especially someone you care about, when they are upset.

I'm not sure if it's because us showing natural emotions holds a mirror up to their own inadequate, underdeveloped emotions or whether they just despise weakness.

Either way, horrible to be on the end of that.

He said to me once, not long after we'd been together, 'oh pleeease give me another chance...' in the most horrible voice. I remember feeling so taken aback that someone could be so nasty....fast forward 6 years and I'm still wondering...!!

He did start trying to comfort me towards the end, in a really contrived way, and I would push him away. And that gave him ammunition for saying - "see, you never want affection from me - you are so cold!" I guess I appreciated mine for at least trying but it did feel unnatural - like most of the nice things he did.

Another time, when he did and said something that was so hurtful I was almost physcially sick (I think I'm a fairly sensible person and that's the most extreme reaction I've ever had with him) I sat there rocking on the bed, sobbing, thinking 'I'm going to be sick, I'm going to be sick'. He stood there saying 'don't be so bloody dramatic, stop playing these games, you're not going to WIN on this one, you know' and then he mimicked my almost hysterical breathing.

And then I threw my arms around him and we all lived happily ever after...

No, actually, I - who am one of the world's biggest softies - actually fantasised about stabbing him through his non-existent heart with a big knife. Very healthy.

Flipping heck

I've moved 170 miles away from XN. The girl I went out with tonight has moved to where I live from about 100 miles away. We'd arranged to go out tonight for some food and to see a film.

Over our food I asked how she ended up in the job she's doing (in the health service). She said she'd done a master's in healthcare economics. I said, oh, my X did that too, and asked her where because I know there are only a few places in the country that offer this course.

It turns out he was on the same course as her 2 years ago. Except, because he was never sure about the course and his mum had actually booked him on it as he was moaning about a lack of direction in his life, he didn't finish it. Whenever I'd asked him whether he was going to finish his course or not, he'd jump down my throat and I never got a straight answer.

When this girl, J, said she knew XN, I tentatively asked what he'd been like on the course. She said that she'd thought he was alright and that he was fairly quiet but would occasionally pipe up sounding very knowledgeable. But, that all of a sudden, he'd disappeared off the face of the planet and hadn't responded to any e-mails or texts from any of the others on the course. She said that he'd made friends with a couple of guys on the course and they'd go out socially when they were on their week long stints at the university. One had become a dad and had tried to get in touch to tell XN. They got nothing back from him and had wondered what had happened to him. J said she had organised a couple of social events for the 20 or so people on the course and he'd never responded to her.

This is what XN did to people all the time and this is why I was so convinced that he would not try to contact me after his initial 3 day effort. He is very good at cutting people off.

With this incident, he wouldn't have wanted to admit to anyone that he didn't want to do the course and that's why he wouldn't talk to me or anyone else about it.

It's so weird that I am nearly 200 miles from XN and a colleague of mine knew him. It sounds like he managed to put up a good facade at college but the way he cut them all off when he was avoiding making a decision about the course was almost clinical.

So strange!

Christmas morning

I thought of him as I woke on Christmas morning
But was it was him I was really mourning
Or more the man I thought he could be,
That dream man who kept eluding me?

How could I miss a man who never existed,
His true feelings childlike, his emotions restricted;
Only happy when wallowing in misery
Or wringing attention – good and bad – from me?

There was no ‘person’ behind the mask.
The ‘good man’ always just beyond my grasp.
I’d try my hardest and he’d promise he’d change,
But his kind persona was never sustained

At Christmas he’d retreat and I’d be neglected,
I became, every time, an ex, his rejected.
So I thought of him today with curiousity, sadness.
Will he think of me – the girl he made feel so worthless?

In the new year, I know my sadness will subside.
Soon I’ll glad he is no more by my side
My boundaries will be firm, my self-worth revived
And I will proclaim – "I met an ‘N’ and survived"!

Here's to 2010!

Even now having little lightbulb moments

I had a 2 hour drive to my parents' today which gave me some thinking time. I'm still feeling very raw after my trigger on Wednesday and I've dreamed about XN 2 nights in a row now, which I've hardly done at all.

I was thinking today about how upset I was to lose my holiday to Spain in July as I kicked him out the morning of our trip. I was thinking of how much I'd wanted to go and wondering what would have happened had I gone, despite finding out that morning that XN had lied again (it was his subsequent reaction to my asking about it was what prompted me to pick his bags up and put them outside the front door and then ask him to leave - all before 3:30am).

I wondered if I could have had the trip and sorted things out after?

I realised that - no, I couldn't have done. Had I done, I couldn't have looked at myself in the mirror again. I'd clearly had very weak boundaries before that but this time I had reached my limit. It meant losing him and losing my holiday but there was no other option for me. Yes, I was gutted my trip to Spain but had I got in the car with him to drive to the airport, I would have been saying that the way he behaved was acceptable and I wasn't prepared to do that anymore.

Despite me saying, 'don't treat me like this', me going on holiday with him would have sent him the clear message that it was ok to treat me however he wanted because I wouldn't enforce my boundaries. Luckily, I had enough self-respect left to ensure that this time I did enforce my boundaries. My holiday wasn't an option anymore.

XN always said to me that it takes two to make a relationship this dysfunctional. My therapist agreed - one to dish it out and one to take out. As soon as I refused to take the abuse anymore, there was no relationship, dysfunctional or otherwise, any longer.

The other thing that occurred to me was about XN's swearing. He swore all the time, swore at me, called me names, called other people names (but behind their backs). Whenever I asked him not to swear at me, he would say that it didn't mean anything. *His* swearing, apparently, didn't mean the same to him as swearing did to everyone else so it was ok to call me names!

I realise now what a grandiose and stupid argument that was. He was arguing that, because he used swear words in the same way that others would use ordinary words, it was ok and I shouldn't read too much into them.

"Excuse me, Officer - yes, I murdered the person whose corpse you see in front of us. But it's ok - I don't view murder in the same way as everyone else. My view of murder is special so you can let me off!"

Hmm....what an argument!

Jess

A really bad trigger today

So today I was in a pub meeting someone for lunch and a song came on in the background. It was a terrible trigger for me. I had to go and stand outside until it had passed. Then, as I was paying, it came on again. The songs are in a loop on the stereo system apparently.

I was a wreck. I had to grab my bag and get out of there.

It took me right back to a time years ago when I was sitting in my car on my way to work, listening to this CD and thinking that I loved this man so, so much but that I could tell this relationship was going to cause me a lot of pain. I wanted the relationship to work so much. I wanted my future to be with him and I remember thinking that this felt like an ill fated love story.

Cannonball by Damien Rice

There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your witness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer each day
That I can´t say what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So its not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon.

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage, teach me to be shy
'Cause its not hard to fall,
And I don't want to scare her
Its not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
Its not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lJbz5HaKCJc