The background

I was in a 6 year, live in relationship with a guy who was lovely when I met my xN, but I was trying to leave my partner because I knew it wasn't right.

My xN had just come back from travelling. He said things like 'I've travelled around the world and I've never met anyone who I connected with like I do with you'. As he'd had a few, shallow relationships before me, I believed him, though I did think it was odd that, by his late 20s, he'd never been in love with anyone.

He didn't try to charm me. In fact, I think I went after him because I felt he offered me things that my current partner hadn't. I found him extremely physically attractive (I wish I hadn't - it would have made it much easier to walk away) and the physical side was amazing, and he was intelligent, and did fun and exciting things with me that my partner had never wanted to do, just small things like going clubbing or going to see bands, and we went to art galleries whilst he showed off (rather sweetly I thought) his knowledge of art.

I felt he 'got me' in a way that my partner hadn't. However, almost from the very beginning he was cruel and sadistic. That, in itself, made leaving my partner very hard. I had a lovely guy, a home we'd built up together, we were close to each other's families, and had a cat and a dog together but I didn't love him, and I found myself drawn to this guy who treated me like dirt.

Once he said to me that he was frustrated that we weren't together and that he could see a twinkle in my eye that needed to be seen more or something like that, something that didn't sound so cheesy at the time! I sometimes find myself wondering if I based my entire view of him on that one statement.

It kept me confused and vacillating between the two relationships for far too long and I hated myself for not having the courage to sort things out. I ended up in counselling, suffering from depression.

I finally got the courage to leave my partner, my house, etc. It took a year to sell the house and sort out all the joint bank accounts etc.

After I split up with my partner, I lived on my own and had some time out. But I ended up seeing my xN not long after and thinking that, now the stresses of having to keep our attraction quiet were off, we would have a normal healthy relationship. Funnily enough, that never seemed to happen.

I found an article that said that the partners of xNs say that they have a feeling that the relationship never really took off. I can identify with that. Things were never very stable no matter how hard I tried.

Only 2 weeks before I went NC, we'd a lovely weekend together. We went rowing on the river in Bath and then had lunch in a pub overlooking the river. AS he was rowing me in the boat, I joked that he should be quoting poetry to me and so...he did! The next day, we went for a picnic and were feeding each other strawberries (to my embarrassment!) in the grounds of a gorgeous stately home near where I live in the sunshine. Could it have got more idyllic? He was also playing around with my dog, throwing a frisbee for her whilst I lay on the picnic rug, and he was being kind to her which is something I knew he found hard as he didn't really care about her that much.

Then, only the following weekend, he pretended to me that he is playing golf when he was actually out with 2 girls from work, getting drunk in the afternoon, one of whom he's had a crush on. When I found out and confronted him, he started ranting and raving at me.

That weekend he'd said that he'd been unhappy for most of his life but when I was with him, stroking his hair, and being nice, he felt the sun was shining was on him. So why did he have to sabotage everything by lying again? (One of my friends told me that I seemed to want to sabotage the relationship because I'd checked his phone, which is when I found out he'd lied about what he'd been doing the previous weekend - that hurt!)

I found some writing of his a few months ago (part of his therapy was to write down his anxieties) and he'd written that he'd never really loved anyone. So it appeared that he didn't really love me either, although I wasn't surprised to read that by that stage.

The girl that my xN is idealising now in work (who is tall, slim, and has long dark hair...and guess what, I am tall, slim and have long dark hair, except she is about 7 years younger than me..) is also in a relationship with a guy and has been for...guess what...6 years.

In hindsight, I was vulnerable and here was I guy who I thought 'got me', whose angst ridden depression I stupidly thought I could help. Was it worth it? I don't know how I would have got out of the relationship I'd been in had I not met him. And we had some good times. But I'm not sure where it's got me.

I worry now that the times I had with him, and the physical side, were so perfect, that I may struggle to find that perfection with someone else (although I do realise that perfection doesn't actually exist).

I love him and hate him and feel sorry for him in equal measure at the moment.