Ns and intimacy

People with NPD are terrified of intimacy. They don't like getting close to people because:

1. they have nothing to give and they know it.
2. the closer they get to people, the more effort they have to make to keep their false self at the forefront. It's hard work. Mine's mask used to slip continuously and then he would get angry with himself and with me for making his mask slip.

Cue the D&D.

I realised a long time ago, before I knew about Ns/Ps/sociopaths etc, that mine didn't like intimacy.

To him, being intimate was about having sex and he was more than happy to be intimate that way. I told him that if that was the case, he would feel as intimate with any woman he picked up with a nightclub as he did with me.

To me, being intimate is so much more than that. It hurt one day when xN told me that he'd felt more intimate with previous girlfriends than with me.

I believe that I was by far and away the most intimate r/ship xN has ever had in his life. He opened up to me in a way that I'm sure he never has with anyone. He'd had 2 girlfriends before me, the longest lasted for 1 year and the second for 9 months (it was a time limited r/ship because he was in Australia and his visa was expiring). So, from sheer dint of time (6 years), I'm sure I got to see more of xN than anyone else did, except perhaps for his mum. He's always had few friends and likes to talk about theories and ideas rather than what's going on in his life so people don't really get to know him.

However, he also told me that no-one else ever made him feel as bad I did. After a few years, I realised that the two (our intimacy and him feeling bad) were connected. By last year, the cycle was so clear to me, and again, this was before I knew about NPD. He would finish with me, and almost feel relief at doing so, and then would suddenly feel better at gaining control over something in his life (ie me) and would then make efforts to take control over other things (moving out of his parents, giving up smoking).

Mine knew he was different and knew he couldn't relate to people. I think he wanted to be normal but couldn't and it frustrated him. Being 'intimate' with me meant that all his failings were exposed. He couldn't make me happy, he was too insensitive and self-absorbed. I spent most of the time hurt by him. His failure to be 'normal' in a 'normal relationship' made him angry. He didn't seem to know what to do so he would get angry and frustrated and would blame me.

And the cycle would begin all over again.