I wasted my time!

I read somewhere recently - I can't remember where now - that you can only really love someone if you know them and accept them for exactly what they are. Therefore, we can't say that we really loved an N because we didn't really know the whole person. They hardly had a 'self' to love and what self they did have was constantly changing and shifting.

I didn't ever say to XN that I loved him to his face in 6 years. I felt huge, overwhelming feelings of love at times. However, I couldn't bring myself to say it to him in person because I felt so vulnerable saying it. I also had this feeling of not really knowing him. I knew who he was when he was with me but we didn't live together and I never really had a sense of who he was when he wasn't with me. It was a very strange feeling, wanting to let go but never quite being able to.

I adored my first boyfriend. I tried to hold back with him but I loved him and the words 'I love you' just popped out of my mouth one day after a few months. I tell my dog all the time - I can't help it!! With XN, it never popped out.

I also remember reading that people in r/ships with Ns report a feeling of the r/ship never having really 'taken off'. That makes sense to me. And it would explain why XN didn't describe his 2 previous g/friends as 'proper relationships' and will probably say the same about his 6 year r/ship with me.

I know I felt love for them but how can I have loved someone who wasn't really there?

Thinking like this makes me feel like I wasted that love on someone who wasn't real. I read in his 'anxiety book' before I went NC that he'd never really loved anyone. That didn't bother me at the time. His actions had already proved that he didn't really care for me. But now I reflect on that, I feel really hurt. Why did he have to waste my time? Sometimes he talked about proposing to me, and having kids, and he wanted to move in with me (I said no). Then I read that he'd never felt love for anyone in his life.

Did he not know what he wanted?

And how could I really have loved someone who didn't even exist?