Bursting the N bubble

My therapist has been gently trying to burst the N bubble by questioning me about the ideal image that I had of XN. It's started to make me think about who or what he really is and it's helped me see beyond the ideal image of him that I had in my head.

I thought he was so wonderful, so clever, so interesting, etc etc...she's got me questioning all these things now.

For example, I liked the fact that he was well read. She asked me what he read in the time that I knew him. I paused, and stuttered out an answer, then realised that he rarely read anything other than golfing magazines and the occasional crime novel that he borrowed from his mum.

I liked the fact that I could talk to him. Again, not sure where that came from. All people ever got from him was a monologue on a subject of his choosing, or he'd sulk or fake "matey-ness" if around people he could be bothered with.

I liked the fact that he wasn't materialistic and had similar values to me....this is the guy who spent £1500 on a watch when he was unemployed and who spent £1500 on clothes in the last few months, then told me he couldn't afford his CBT sessions. This is the guy who constantly went on about how much money he SHOULD be earning.

I thought doing a job was more important to him than the money. Yet this is the guy who wants to be an NHS director, doesn't care in what field, and funnily enough his mum is an NHS director. He despises what he calls "grabbers". Yet I found out a few months ago that he's managed to wangle himself a higher grade at work than his job entitles him to and he's managed to wangle himself half a personal assistant when others at his level haven't. That's p*ssed a few people off.

I liked the fact that he was a good cook (I am terrible)....but when I look back on it, he only ever cooked about 3 or 4 different dishes in the time that I knew him. And woe betide my kitchen utensils if it went wrong! They'd end up flying around the room!

I liked the fact that we liked doing the same things on holiday...this is the guy who spent the last day of one holiday we were on with friends in Spain shut in the villa on his own watching The Simpsons all day and not talking.

I liked the fact that he was independent. He'd been travelling for 2 years just before I met him.....this is the guy who couldn't move out of his parents' house for 5.5 years when I knew him! When he finally got his own place, after 6 months, he moved back in with them again! He wouldn't live with them now. He has a bunch of friends in work to impress. Telling them that he lives with his mum at age 35 wouldn't get NS for him.

I liked the fact that he had opinions on bigger subjects than what was on the tv that night.....this was the guy who joined the Labour party a few months ago but told me just before I went NC that he had NEVER voted. He "didn't see the point." I lost a lot of respect for him when he told me that.

Just thinking about that last one makes me think he's rather pathetic. And thinking of him in that way, rather than as this wonderful guy that I didn't deserve, helps me a lot.