Facing up to the pain

I wanted things to work out with XN so much. When he was being nice to me, he was everything I'd ever wanted in a man and I found him so damn attractive too!

I had this gut instinct though that things would never be quite right. After 5 years of seeing him on & off, this is what made me hesitant to have him move in with me when he asked last year - interestingly when I'd been away for 6 weeks and he'd been living alone in my house without me (I eventually said no).

I think one reason why I stuck with him is because I didn't want to face up to the pain of having to walk away from him.

I knew it would hurt so very much.

And it does. It's horrible.

I know I've done the right thing. But to have someone in your life for 6 years that you've loved and found attractive and wanted and then to cut them off without so much as a goodbye is very, very hard.

To have to try and process words and situations that didn't make sense only adds to the pain. Knowing that mine most likely is relieved that I am out of his life adds to the hurt and the feeling that the whole thing was a waste of my life and energy.

I didn't want to be in this situation. I never wanted to have to face up to the painful truth that this man (I thought?) I loved was never going to be stable enough for us to have a normal relationship.

However, I'm here, and I have to get on with it.

I'm facing up to it now and it's as horrible as I thought it would be. I look forward to a time when I can firmly put him in my past and move on. That seems a long way off at the moment though but I know others have done it and so will I.