Self-esteem issues #2

XN had never said what qualities in wanted in a woman other than looks (and the fact that he didn't want her to be "stupid").

I used to joke that all XN wanted was someone to stroke his hair and cuddle him and call him 'Baby'. How true that was.

I think that the constant rejection of being broken up with on an almost monthly basis reinforces the feeling of not being good enough.

I know on a rational level that the problem was with him and with his inability to have an intimate relationship (hence the move onto porn) but, at the time, it all got internalised as me not being good enough for him.

When he started having therapy at the beginning of this year, he told me that he was going to talk to his doctor about the impact on his sex life as he "got better" (yeah right) as he was worried about it. He said that sex was a real release to him and that, if he wasn't so stressed and anxious anymore (by then he was on meds for the stress) he might not enjoy sex as much. I told him that I found that quite upsetting to hear (for obvious reasons) and he then got frustrated because he knew he couldn't discuss things like that with good old, dependable, therapist substitute Sanegirl.

He also said to me once that he liked there to be a 'frisson' between him & his female friends (a sort of 'will we, won't we' type thing) and he said this at a time when he was hanging around with an attractive girl from work. Of course, that unsettled me - a brilliant way to keep me on my toes. His relationships with women do seem very dysfunctional even though he once told me that he preferred having female friends - but they seem to be either the enemy to him or an object to be coveted.

There's one girl in my office that I know he would like and I get stressed whenever I see her. She's very smiley and sweet as well and he'd like someone like that, someone who made him feel good and who wasn't resentful and hurt all the time. I hate this girl because I see her as competition now for my boyfriend who isn't even on the scene anymore!

I always felt that he was settling for me even though he said he wasn't. I do worry now that in my next relationship I'll be constantly feeling that that person is settling for me and that they'd much rather be off with someone 'better'.

I wonder if I've picked up some of XN's fears of abandonment and am showing them myself now. I'm sure there's an element of wanting control over me as well and keeping me in my place with all of this.