The restless N

I went to an arboretum today with a friend and 4 dogs. It was beautiful - the colours were rich and the dogs were frolicking about.

I've been to this place a few times and I love it. I was wondering what it would have been like had XN come with me.

I know that I would have been really happy to have enjoyed the beautiful scenery and to have just been with him. We could have strolled about, hand in hand, then come home and gone out for a meal and a drink somewhere.

XN wouldn't have enjoyed it. He wouldn't have been happy enjoying the scenery and just being there with my company. Where was the audience?! Where were the beautiful people who would be dazzled by his looks and intellect?! My dog and the trees won't have been dazzled by him and he was bored of having me adore him.

XN always needed to be where the "beautiful people" were (and they always seemed to be somewhere else, just a little out of sight). It was ok if we were doing something that he considered to be worthy of him. He did things like come to the ballet with me a few times and to arty films. But enjoying a meal with just me where he had to talk, or a stroll around a beautiful arboretum with all the rich autumn colours? No....he'd get stressed.

XN could not do the things that normal people do when they are in a couple. It was just never enough. Me? I was just so happy to be somewhere lovely with the man I adored. Knowing that my company wasn't enough for him worked wonders in keeping me feeling inadequate and on my toes.

When I see couples strolling about, doing normally 'coupley' things, I wonder why XN and I aren't doing that but we rarely did that when we were together and things were going well. We always had to be doing something otherwise he'd get bored and stressed. I felt like I was constantly having to entertain him or he'd get distracted, feel bad and D&D me.

I remember once going out for a meal when we were in Australia last year. It was the last night of a supposedly romantic weekend that I'd booked for us in a pretty place called Noosa. We went for a meal and the food wasn't brilliant. XN went into a bad mood. I lost my temper then. He ruined much of the previous 2 week holiday and went into a mood because the food wasn't great.

I was just happy to be there with him in a restaurant overlooking the water in the balmy evening air. It didn't matter to me if the food was bad - I was content to be there with him.

I think he tried to make it up to me afterwards but I'd been worn down by his company over the previous 2 weeks (after 6 weeks of peace and calm in Australia without him) and I was exasperated.

I live in a bungalow that is a little cream haven to me. It is joined onto a carbon copy and next door a couple just a bit younger have moved in. I keep thinking - why aren't I and XN living like them? Happy and content in my lovely little house?

The reason? I think...because he didn't want to be. He didn't want the things that normal people want. He has to smash and ruin everything that's good in his life. That's the reason why he's not with me now.