Self esteem issues #1

Unsurprisingly, the r/ship with XN really affected my self-esteem, but in particular about my body.

I now have mild panic attacks when my self-esteem is threatened further, e.g. when I go into a shopping mall where there are pretty young girls and airbrushed photos of models in the shops. I don't know how or why this happened.

XN always seemed to find me attractive and our relationship was quite sexual.

XN was hyper-critical about people's looks and described himself as picky in terms of choosing a partner.

Over the years he mentioned his preference for:
-good posture
-tall women
-slim women
-brunettes
-'girl next door' types
-smaller breasts (because he said they don't sag)
-classy looking women

He would be derogatory about women who were:
-overweight
-had what he called 'corn beef thighs' (still not sure what that meant)
-wearing bad clothes
-plain
-women who dressed up too much for work
-he also hated "stupid women"
-he hated what he called 'Boots Number 7 beauties', named after a make up range in the UK
-he was scathing about 3 women that he'd been set up with during times that our relationship was 'off' because they were unattractive (in his opinion).

When I first went out with him, he looked at women in front of me. Once he looked at this woman who walked past us in a club, this cute, trendy little brunette - the kind of woman who intimidated untrendy me! He turned to me with a big grin as if to say 'isn't it great that there's such a babe in here tonight!' He stopped looking at other women when I asked him not to or to as least be more subtle about it.

He had an 'arty' book of naked supermodels - all taken by the same photographer and all standing in the same, non-erotic pose, so you could easily compare their bodies that way.

Towards the end of our r/ship, he got his own PC (instead of using his parents') and started looking at porn. I felt very devalued by this because our sex life had always been really good.

He went to a strip club last year on my brother's stag night and, when I told him I was upset afterwards, he hurled at me that "I was only jealous because other women have better bodies than me." Later he told me that I'd got the wrong end of the stick and that he only meant that I was thinking that they had better bodies so I was being self-destructive (??).

He would also say things like (in a vicious way): "I bet you love it that I fancy you so much, don't you!" and (if we were out for a meal): "I've looked around and you're the best looking woman in here. I'm really happy to be here with you."

He looked at me whilst I was getting dressed a few months ago and said, "hmm....relatively you've got a better body than me." I thought it was a really odd thing to say. It wasn't an overt compliment but more him musing on me compared to him.

He also said things like he "never gets the women he wants" and, once when I asked him if he liked this girl in work, he said "there'd be no point - she's out of my league." The night he said that was my first D&D. He made the comment then tore into me (think he realised he'd said something really bad) and left.

In some ways, it doesn't matter what I look like but I suppose I should say that I fit XN's bill of a tall, slim, brunette. He even told me when we got together that he liked my posture (???). I look smart for work but don't prance around in miniskirts and high heels.

So, if XN was attracted to me, and was hyper-critical of everyone else, then I should feel good about myself, shouldn't I? I guess that my looks and my personality just weren't enough to keep him and I just don't feel good enough anymore. I don't know if anyone would want me because there'll always be someone who is better than me out there.

Why would a guy settle for me when he could have someone 'better'? I hate feeling like this and I know that it's how I feel how myself that matters but I can't seem to get this feeling of not being good enough out of my head.