What has helped me come to terms with that (and I actually read in XN's "anxiety book" back in May that he'd "never really loved anyone") is that I believe he wanted to love me. I think he wanted to have a normal relationship with me and settle down and do the things that normal people do.
However, he wasn't able to control his emotions or his impulses and that led him to destroy our relationship.
I had a therapy appointment this evening and my therapist said that she thinks XN has got worse since I went NC (based on the information about his behaviour from my friend who works with him) and that I provided some stability in his life. She said that she thinks he will rue the day that he lost me.
It has occurred to me that he will but I wondered if he would actually ever let himself think that.
She said that she thinks he will realise it one day even if it's just for a second and that it's unlikely that he'll admit that to anyone.
Anyway, XN did have moments of lucidity and normality when he would talk about wanting normal stuff out of life. I genuinely believe that there was a part of him that did want the normal relationship and that did want me.
He may not have been able to get the normal stuff out of life or have been able to truly love me but I think he did want to. XN didn't cheat on me and my therapist pointed out that he'd still be with me now had I not broken it off. So I think I was the closest he's ever got to an intimate, stable relationship and he cared about me as much as he was able to.
To me, my belief that he wanted it to work counts for something. He just didn't know how to.
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