A glimpse into the mind of an N

At the beginning of the year, I persuaded XN to get some professional help so he went to see his doctor. Before he went (and it took some persuading) he made a list, at my suggestion, of his symptoms so that he didn't get sidetracked or fobbed off by his doctor.

I'd known him for 5.5 years at this point yet, when he read me the list down the phone, I was in shock.

The list must have been 2 to 3 pages of A4 long.

He described:
-always feeling empty
-his mind being a swirl of stress most of the time
-inability to sleep because of his stress
-when he was stressed, he would sweat, sometimes so much that he would be embarrassed to take his jacket off in work or shake anyone's hand.
-never feeling relaxed, ever
-when he was stressed, he would feel his face burning up
-he could feel his heart beating really fast
-often (again when under stress) his mind would just go blank
-an inability to visualise things
-he had trouble understanding people

The list went on with similar things.

I had no idea that the guy I'd been seeing all this time felt like this *most of the time*.

I remember lying next to him in bed one night and he was so stressed, for no obvious reason, that he was practically hyperventilating.

I remember lying on his chest some nights and hearing his heart thumping away very fast, again for no obvious reason.

He has since gone on beta blockers for the stress and antidepressants for the depression.

Both helped him. After he went on the beta blockers, he would tell me things like he'd enjoyed the shower he had that morning because, normally, he wouldn't even take pleasure in a shower because he was in this constant state of stress.

I think mine was NPD/BPD so this may not be true for all of your's but I do think this must be a horrible way to live; to have your mind in this state of swirling cortisol all the time; to not be able to sleep or relax or enjoy anything.

I wouldn't want to swop places with him for anything.