But then......

I went Christmas shopping today and I was missing XN just a teeny bit.

I found some fun things and remembered how I'd show him silly things I'd found and I'd try to make him laugh (not easy). And how nothing ever seemed good enough for him no matter what it was - what we ate, what we did, what I said, things I bought, etc etc.

I remembered some other, nice times we had.

We had a really good night out on a friend's 30th birthday party a few years ago....but then XN went nuts back at the hotel after having too much to drink and was raging and throwing things around.

We had a nice trip to Spain a couple of years ago....but then XN would go into a mood and spoil the trip by not speaking to me.

We would have a nice weekend together....but then XN would get into his "Sunday stress" and, after D&D'ing me, would have to go off into work to occupy himself and take his mind off it.

He started getting professional help...but then decided he was better and spent a fortune on clothes for his "new image" instead.

He would be sorry for all the things he'd done to hurt me, the lying, the porn...but then would go and do them all again.

There was always a "but" with XN.